J. Edgar Hoover Would Be Proud
Attorney General John Ashcroft announced yesterday that he is expanding the FBI's surveillance capabilities in the name of the War on Terror. Among the changes: The FBI can now collect information on people who are not the subject of criminal investigations. If you think that sounds a return to the bad old days when federal government minions complied dossiers on "subversives" like Bobby Kennedy, Ben Bradlee and Martin Luther King Jr., then you're probably already on the list.
Institution: The feeling that someone is watching you (as a symptom of acute paranoia)
Severity: 750
Points: 2,300
Rumsfeld To The Rescue!
In olden days, a leader would send his son to live with an enemy king as a hostage to back up a peace treaty. But Jenna and Barbara were busy at a kegger this weekend, so Dub is sending Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to Pakistan and India instead. On the bright side, for as long as Rumsfeld is actually standing in one of the two nations, a nuclear war is not likely to break out. On the down side, Rumsfeld has to leave sometime. On the other down side, the two nations may not wait for Rumsfeld to arrive before starting the fireworks. On the other, other down side, Rumsfeld isn't exactly a diplomat. He's not even a particularly nice guy.
Institution: War and peace
Severity: 300
Points: 21,900
George W. Bush: Raving Fucking Idiot
I'm running a little behind the other Dub-bashing sites on this one, but it's well worth the wait. According to the German media, Dub was talking to the president of Brazil when it occured to him to ask whether Brazil had any black people. ( Click here to read it in the original German.) Apparently, Condy Rice had to bail him out of the faux pas by stepping in to save the conversation, which ought to tell you something. Now THIS is a gaffe that deserves a little air time here in the U.S., don't you think? Maybe one of my regular readers over at CNN could get off his or her ass and do an item...
Institution: Presidential wisdom
Severity: At least he knows who the president of Pakistan is these days
Points: At least, I think he knows
The New FBI, Explained In Short, Simple Words
Many of you out there are probably confused about the FBI reorganization. I know I sure am. Fortunately, FW has obtained a copy of the FBI's newly redesigned Web site which should clarify the brand extension and give you a better idea of what to expect going forward.
Institution: Law enforcement
Severity: 500
Points: 1,230
Dancing With The Devil
Doom continued to thunder through Kashmir, as Pakistan and India continued their waltz toward nuclear destruction. And the world stood by, watching. The U.S. drew up plans to evacuate 64,000 Americans, a sensible precaution, but small consolation to the 150 million people whose lives could be forfeit to a nuclear exchange, potentially the greatest slaughter of humanity's bloody history, with long-term and environmental ramifications as yet unknown.
Troubled times like these call for inspired international leadership, but that's not going to happen. If President Dub had anything going for him at all, you'd think it was a resolve to swift and decisive action. But this nation, so eager to wade into war in Afghanistan, is now content to sit on the sidelines, wringing its collective hands, as the stage is set for an unprecedented slaughter.
In all fairness, no one else in the international community is doing much better.
Sadly, if we hadn't needed Pakistan for our invasion of Afghanistan, we would be in a much better position to intervene. Pakistan is clearly harbors Al Qaeda terrorists, and in fact is a likely state sponsor of terrorist attacks on India. By nearly any measure, the threat of Pakistan's war-mongering dictatorship equals or outweighs any of the so-called "Axis of Evil" nations. But we cast our lot with a bad man — Pakistan's President Pervez Musharraf — because we "needed" him to help us obliterate the dirt-poor theocracy next door to his nation.
An unfortunate alliance, for we could better justify and likely execute an invasion of Pakistan that we could in North Korea or Iran. Hell, we might even have international support for once.
But, no. Having made taken Musharraf to our hearts so swiftly in the name of expediency, and in the process further aggravating Pakistan's rivalry with India, we now founder, afraid to lose face. Bush and his senior aides would rather fantasize about a new war with Iraq, replete with easy victories and untroubled by moral ambiguities, than take on tough, complicated situations in which they run the risk of failure, such as here and in the Mideast.
This cowardice is rapidly becoming the hallmark of the Bush administration. Aggressive, if unsubtle, PR efforts can obfuscate that cowardice in the eyes of modern observers; no amount of posturing will obscure the reality from the history books.
Institution: The world
Severity: 3,400
Points: 27,200
The Man Is Trying To Keep Me Down
A hosting issue (for which I am still awaiting an explanation) knocked FW offline for a couple hours this afternoon. My apologies. More information when it become available, but only if it's particularly interesting.
Institution: Fuckedworld
Severity: 50
Points: 57
Where Be Tygers? Survival of The Hippest
In the first of what will surely be a depressing series of developments, Australian scientists announced they have taken the first steps toward cloning the extinct Tasmanian tiger back into glorious non-extinction for no apparent reason. It's still too early to tell if, or when, the ineptly named tiger, which is actually more of a dog, could be rescued from Darwinian selection, since a whole bunch of scientists are characterizing the effort as insane and impossible. But let's score one for devolution anyway, just on principle, since never before in history have so many done so much to defy survival of the fittest and give a failed evolutionary experiment a second chance.
Institution: Natural selection
Severity: 900
Points: 3,850
UPDATES: Gene Lejeune is on vacation this week, alas. But you can have a brand new FW Poll (top right). There are new tarot cards as of Monday over on ChaosDancer, if you're in the mood for something completely different, and the secret smoking gun memo is getting rather a lot of attention around the 'Net if you haven't seen it yet.
No Shit, Sherlock
A crack investigative team has determined that Chandra Levy was murdered. Now the only questions remaining are who, when, how and why. Unfortunately determining any of those things will be tricky without the "how." In fact, the medical examiner was only able to cite the "circumstances of her disappearance and her discovery" as evidence of murder, not exactly compelling. With the nothing that is currently known, police seem to be moving toward exonerating sleazy lying politician Gary Condit, with whom Levy was having an affiar, in favor of a serial killer theory. But then police have been moving toward exonerating Condit from day one, despite such silly inconsequential things as motive, opportunity and character, factors that would — rightly or wrongly — have landed a non-politician in jail long ago.
Institution: Crime as an activity which does not pay
Severity: 500
Points: 17,230
A Great Day For Tony Soprano
Eliot Ness rolled in his grave and mobsters laughed their asses off, as the FBI declared an end to its mission of law enforcement and a beginning to its new mission, "analysis and prevention." With guys like John Connolly on the job, you might say it's just as well, but the principle still seems a bit iffy. That impression isn't helped by the fact that recent experience suggests "prevention" will probably look like a cross between "Minority Report" and "Car 54: Where Are You?"
Institution: Kafka, Kubrick, Curly, Moe and Larry
Severity: 1,900
Points: 3,430
Duck And Cover
India and Pakistan continued to screech hostility at each other, while blaming each other for the hostility. The Doomsday Clock creeps forward.
Institution: Everyone
Severity: 2,300
Points: 10,780
Fools Russian Where Angels Fear To Tread...
All that pathetic begging is really starting to pay off! NATO today benevolently granted Russia expanded non-membership, contorting the structure of the alliance into a pretzel of councils, agreements and slobbery kisses with no apparent purpose. Highlights of the agreement, as explained by CNN, include such gems of international diplomacy as "NATO and Moscow will decide (jointly) only on those issues on which they agree. NATO will consider disputed issues alone." Now THAT'S an alliance!
Institution: The purity of institutions formed expressly for the purpose of keeping the evil Russians in line. Oh, wait, did I say "purity"? I meant "point."
Severity: 400
Points: 6,500
Dope Meets Pope
Dub sat down with Pope John Paul II to discuss matters of great import, such as the priest pedophilia scandal. Sources told FW that Dub was planning to open the conversation by asking "Where's George and Ringo?" as an icebreaker. Dub was also reportedly planning to ask for a ride in the bulletproof Popemobile, which he described as "really cool." Sources said JPII would allow the ride if Bush promised "not to touch anything."
Institution: Nincompoop meets anachronism
Severity: (3*290xy)^2
Points: 666
Double Your Fuck-Ups, Double Your Fun
Since the FBI can't handle investigating terrorism, it's getting a little help from the CIA! The Company is sending personnel to help The Bureau figure out how to stop The Terrorists. By doubling the number of incompetent idiots working on the case, they have high hopes that they can double the results! And two times zero equals... Well, never mind. Maybe for good measure they can have Arthur Andersen audit the results of the investigation.
Institution: Now we're cooking with gas!
Severity: 540
Points: 9,888
Tugging On The Heartstrings, Or Possibly Heartworms
Dub waxed eloquent in honor of Memorial Day this morning in France: "It is fitting that we remember those who sacrificed because today we defend our freedoms, we defend our freedoms against people who can't stand freedom." Wow. But wait, there's more: "This defense will require the sacrifice of our forefathers, but it's a sacrifice I can promise you we'll make." So, what, he's going to use a stone knife to cut out Thomas Jefferson's heart and eat it? Or maybe he'll set George Washington ablaze in a giant wicker man. Jeez, freedom is really tough!
Institution: Freedom's not just another word for nothing left to lose after all!
Severity: 450
Points: 5,430
UPDATE: For those of you who follow such things, I've redesigned and updated ChaosDancer, with more Chaos Tarot cards to come in the next week. Enjoy...
Justice Is Truly Blind
Great news! Someone is finally going to get to the bottom of the Justice Department's failure to see the forest for the trees prior to September 11! And that someone is... well, it's the Justice Department. DOJ's Office of the Inspector General will investigate a damning series of allegations written by an FBI agent (no doubt destined to pull the X-Files as her next assignment), detailing all the many ways the agency — the investigative branch of the very same Justice Department that is now investigating it — failed to foresee the September 11 attack despite a wealth of information at its fingertips.
Institution: Independent investigations
Severity: 4,400
Points: 6,500
Dubya Signs Nukuler Packed!
Dub speaks! "It's a historic day for the world as well. President Putin and I today ended a long chapter of confrontation and opened up an entirely new relationship between our two countries." That new relationship may be familiar to some of you dysfunctional readers out there. It's called "asshole and doormat," and the general thrust of it is, we do whatever we want, whenever we want, and Vladimir Putin doesn't do anything about it. Kinda like a Slavic Tony Blair. If you've encounted this dynamic in your personal life, then you probably already know it ends badly. The Russians certainly know.
Institution: Friends forever
Severity: 430
Points: 970
Hello To All You New Visitors
Since I am today the beneficiary of some extra traffic thanks to the (and I can barely stand to type this name) "Linky & Dinky" newsletter, perhaps it would be a good time to reiterate my career goals and what you, the Web site visitor, can do for me, the Web site writer. Aside from buying my stuff or buying other people's stuff on my behalf, you can check out the pledge drive, or tell me how I can get a job writing for the WWF (yes, I know, it's WWE now). Really. I want a job writing for the WWF/E/X/Whatever. I am not kidding. E-mail me if you know someone, or if you are someone. Otherwise, maybe you could go sign the petition to get George laid.
Institution: Fuckedworld
Severity: Unfucked
Points: Zero (for now, but the day is still young)
Meanwhile, Back In The Real World...
Oh, by the way, while we're all pissing about in this country over memos and Chandra Levy and Star Wars and whateverthefuck, India and Pakistan have once again been dancing on the brink of nuclear war. NBC Nightly News just quoted unnamed government officials who believe such a war would kill 150 MILLION PEOPLE. Our thirst to avenge 3,000 lives has helped precipitate a conflict that could end 150 million lives. Something to think about as you scrape that "these colors don't run" bumper sticker off the back of your pickup truck.
Institution: The Bush Doctrine, soon to be a justification for genocide
Severity: 10,000
Points: 34,540
George W. Bush: Murderer
They said it about Clinton with less credible cause, and turnabout is fair play in Fucked land. If you're not sufficiently amused by my playing around with fake memos in the item below, check out this story for a much juicier and more credible set of insinuations about Dub. It's a hell of a read, and if I relax my left frontal lobe ever so slightly, I find myself believing every word, including the ones between the lines.
Institution: Murder most foul
Severity: 500
Points: 2,300
New 9/11 Policy: Don't Ask, Don't Tell
Here's a big shock: Dub is against having a commission investigate what his administration knew and when they knew it in regard to the 9/11 attack. Wow. Taking this one step further, Dick Cheney labeled as "despicable" those — like me and probably you too — who question the government's handling of clues prior to the attack. I wonder why that is? Could he be getting worried about the fact that his team was sleeping on the job? Maybe he's gotten wind of the totally genuine smoking gun memo published on this very site earlier in the week. Or maybe the worst is yet to come...
Institution: Secrets
Severity: 400
Points: 7,340
Dub Sweet Talks German Lawmakers
"Wishful thinking might bring comfort, but not security," Dub said today in Germany, and ain't that the truth? Unfortunately, he's decided to cut out the "thinking" rather than the "wishful." After spouting a few lines about the "axis of evil" (a bit of a faux pas in an original Axis country, one would think), Dub promised that the U.S. reponse to terrorism will be "reasoned, and focused, and deliberate." Gee, we could have used that rhetoric six months ago. Oh well, better late than never, right? No wait, that wasn't the cliche I was reaching for. I meant: "Actions speak louder than words."
Institution: Wishful thinking
Severity: 300
Points: 970
'Chatter Level' Is Troublesome
Over the last week, everyone from Dub to Cheney to the local dogcatcher has hit the airwaves to declare his or her opinion that another terrorist attack is "invevitable." Does this seem just a little fishy to anyone else? I can't see why such a concentration of concern would erupt spontaneously. They know something, gentle readers, and they aren't telling us. Let's just hope it's not in your backyard.
Institution: Lying sons of bitches
Severity: 340
Points: 580
Is The Clock Ticking For Gary Condit?
Smiling snake oil salesman Gary Condit has a new worry — or simply an old worry refreshed. The bones of formerly missing intern Chandra Levy were recovered today in a Washington, D.C. park, and her illicit lover, Congressman Condit, is the Number One suspect in the eyes of the general public, although the D.C. police have politely declined to point any fingers. Unfortunately for Condit, the discovery of the body transforms the case from "missing persons" to "murder" in the eyes of the police, which is likely to test the limits of professional courtesy extended by those who enforce the laws to those who write them. And if you think I'm being unfair, just imagine how much restraint and politesse the police would have shown to a poor black man in Condit's position.
Institution: The idea that being in Congress makes you as immune to prosecution as a Kennedy
Severity: About to be tested
Points: Could be 20 to life
Surely They've Got This Covered. Surely They Do.
The Brooklyn Bridge was closed briefly today, after a suspicious package was spotted. It turned out to be nothing, but police were monitoring traffic over the bridge closely. Who cares about traffic OVER the bridge? I can't find one reference to anyone being concerned about traffic UNDER the bridge? A suicide run into one of those support pylons with an explosives-laden boat is a lot easier to accomplish than a controlled-crash jet hijacking. I can't find one reference to any police control being exerted over boat traffic under the bridge or approaching the Statue of Liberty. Maybe they're keeping it a secret. Maybe.
Institution: Seeing the forest for the trees
Severity: 300
Points: 450
Terror Alert Spectacularly Bypasses Tommy Boy
The FBI today warned New York City officials about possible threats to historical landmarks there. No, no, it wasn't a warning about the WTC that got lost in the mail or accidentally filed under "bank robberies" instead of "terrorism." Apparently terrorists maybe might kinda be looking at the Statue of Liberty and the Brooklyn Bridge. Reinforcing the painfully obvious truth about current government efforts to protect the citizenry, no one declared an "orange alert" and Homeland Security nonentity Tom Ridge was nowhere to be found.
Institution: Terror-free living
Severity: 300
Points: 865
An FW Exclusive: The Smoking Gun
After all these namby-pamby hints and insinuations about what the president knew and when he knew it, FuckedWorld is proud to present the results of our exclusive investigation. Check out this absolutely genuine White House memo, obtained under the Freedom From Information Act. We were tipped off to the existence of this smoking gun by a conscientious goverment official who demanded anonymity out of fear for his life. For convenience's sake, we will refer to him by the pseudonym "Barry Bleischer."
Institution: The truth is out there
Severity: 300
Points: 425
Thank God Tom Ridge Is On The Job!
Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge hit the airwaves today to warn that suicide bombings could happen in the U.S. soon. Unfortunately, he made this pronouncement days after the alarm was already sounded by everyone from senators to Dick Cheney to the Deputy Undersecretary to the Assistant Secretary for Agricultural Affairs for the Department of the Interior. I suspect the man putatively in charge of Homeland Security is getting his intelligence briefings from "This Week With Sam and Cokie."
Institution: Homeland Security
Severity: 5,000
Points: 8,760
An Allegation With Some Meat On It
NOW we're cooking! After a week of silly finger-pointing over too-vague clues, a new report suggests that Dub and the gang may actually have dropped the ball in a big way prior to 9/11. According to the New York Times, John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Mueller were given a memorandum suggesting that terrorists were training in U.S. flight schools. The memo was written in July, and the Times says the two bigwigs viewed it no later than a month after 9/11. Everyone and his brother spent today denying that Dub ever heard word one about this report. Meanwhile, a Boston Globe report suggests the government is taking an equally oblivious approach to the current threat of potential nuclear attack against U.S. cities, a thought that should keep you warm at night.
Institution: Forewarned as the equivalent of being forearmed.
Severity: 1,200
Points: 3,400
The Truth Is Out There. No, Over There! No Wait, It's...
(Attention VCR crowd: Spoilers follow.) The X-Files wrapped up its nine year run last night with a bang and only a bit of a whimper. The show's final installment — titled "The Truth" — featured a rockin' military tribunal trial for Fox Mulder, but left a slew of loose ends leading up to another full-bore movie treatment (due to start shooting next year). The final scene featured Mulder and Scully in bed together — at last — which was soured slightly by Christian messianic-evangelical overtones. On the down side, the end of "X-Files" removes one of the last mainstream outlets for rampant paranoia and dogmatic distrust of the government. At least we have Dub & Co. to keep us on our toes. And can't you just imagine Ashcroft sitting in a darkened room huffing down a pack of Morleys?
Institution: Paranoia
Severity: 100
Points: 320
Semper Fidel: Dub Ducks For Cover
After a week-long firestorm of flak over the administration's foreknowledge of the 9/11 attack, Georgie-boy tried to change the channel today by getting tough with Cuba. Whew! That took a lot of guts! And it does so much to improve the world! We're all very impressed, needless to say. Hey, maybe we can get Elian Gonzales back!
Institution: Red herrings
Severity: 300
Points: 670
The Domino Effect: Feet Uncontrollably Fall Into Mouths
Condoleeza "Shoulda-Been-A-Social-Studies-Teacher" Rice speaking yesterday: ""I don't think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center, take another one and slam it into the Pentagon; that they would try to use an airplane as a missile, a hijacked airplane as a missile." Federal government report speaking in 1999: "Suicide bomber(s) belonging to al-Qaida's Martyrdom Battalion could crash-land an aircraft... into the Pentagon, the headquarters of the Central Intelligence Agency, or the White House." This is getting to be like shooting fish in a barrel.
Institution: Fish in barrels
Severity: 400
Points: 675
Dub: No Political Gain In Saving Less Than 200 Voters
Emerging from his cave, President Goofus today shared his scintillating insights on the pre-9/11 briefing fiasco: "Had I known that the enemy was going to use airplanes to kill on that fateful morning, I would have done everything in my power to protect the American people." Since he figured hijackers were just going to kidnap, terrorize, torture and kill ONLY the passengers of the hijacked jets, he naturally didn't feel an urge to get involved. You just keep right on digging that hole, dude...
Institution: Spectacular flame-outs
Severity: 975
Points: 4,356
If That Turns You On, You Have A Serious Problem
Whoever the fucking degenerate is that found this site by searching Google under "Condoleeza erotic," I just have to say, get a fucking grip! What the hell's wrong with you? I can't think of anything more repugnant! Even if she didn't talk, it's still disgusting because you'd know she was THINKING all that stupid shit! Never darken my virtual doorstep again!
Institution: Sick degenerate perverts
Severity: 1,000
Points: 1,003
This Site Is The Only News Source You Need
Ah, the joys of being a trendsetter. It's official, you can now proudly tell all your friends about this site, because the massive tide of post-September jingoism is officially dead. The jackals were swarming all over Dub & Co. for the second straight day after revelations that the White House had been briefed about Al Qaeda hijacking plans prior to September 11. Just remember, I turned away from "united we stand" long before two-faced Tom Daschle mustered the balls to dare a harsh word. In other "you heard it here first" news, Salon.com has a nice article about the Nigerian oil scam e-mails which I told you about way back in February.
Institution:
Severity:
Points:
UPDATES: I suck. Here, Gene Lejeune goes to all the trouble of blasting the Pentagon in Miscarriages of Justice, the Crusader in Armed and Dangerous and lauding the Celtics in Late Hits, and I don't get it posted until late. I am a bad man.
Lo, How The Flighty Have Fallen!
House of cards, anyone? Dub's not having a very good week. First Carter's cozying up with Castro down there in Cuba, making him look like an idiot, and then the whole picture brouhaha (below), and now we learn that the president was briefed about the threat of an Al Qaeda hijacking well before Sept. 11. Oops! Remember what Nixon said: "It's not the crime, it's the cover-up." It's hardly shocking that such a threat was discussed. It's a little perplexing why no one mentioned it before now. It's not quite fair, but fuck it, let's put the screws to the bastard anyway! He deserves it!
Institution: If only they'd had a color-coded alert system back then, all this could have been avoided
Severity: 400
Points: 560
Don't Make Me Go Back There, Uncle Dick!
 A White House photo of Dub panicking on Sept. 11 has become the focus of a stupid hullaballoo. Democrats are bitching that Republicans are crass to use the photo (which enjoys no copyright protection) as a fundraiser for the party. Republicans are bitching that Democrats shouldn't bitch so much. But hey, that's what politics is all about, right? Debating the most important issues in the world today!
Institution: No more politics as usual
Severity: 200
Points: 4,450
Carter Overthrows Dub In Cuba Coup!
Go, Jimmy, go! Jimmy Carter is on a rampage! Ever since he arrived in Cuba, he's been deconstructing the White House as efficiently as he normally constructs Off-white Houses for poor people. Carter flatly contradicted repeated inferences about Cuban bioterrorism by Dub and the gang, and today he called for an end to the U.S. embargo against Cuba — which was once a powerful political statement but is now pretty much just a bad habit. Whoo-hoo! Carter in 2004! Bring back the malaise days! (Before you scoff, ask yourself if you have any better ideas.) Man, now I can hardly WAIT to see what Clinton does in East Timor!
Institution: Billy Beer
Severity: Could be staging a comeback
Points: Or maybe not
Flavor Of The Week Internet Controversey
Could the links on your favorite Web page be an endangered species? If newspaper company Belo has its way, they might be. Lawyers for Belo have demanded BarkingDogs.org for "deep linking" to news stories on The Dallas Morning News Web site, claiming a copyright violation. Obviously, this is a potshot at the very nature of the Internet (Belo itself engages in the practice of deep linking), and thus general media mayhem has erupted around the story. Never let it be said I sat on the sidelines during a First Amendment brouhaha, especially one that's relevant to my own Web site. I thought we could deep link to one of the lame-ass stories that pass for journalism in Texas (here's a hoary, old "kids today don't know history" potboiler). If you click it a couple dozen times throughout the day, we'll show up on their referrer logs and maybe we can get our own letter from Belo lawyers!
Institution:
Severity:
Points:
More Men Of The Cloth Behaving Badly
OK, let me make sure I've got this straight. Child molestors get a free ticket to ride in the Catholic priesthood, but partying at Mardi Gras with drag queens is a reason for expulsion from the clergy? Now, granted, the latter does seem to be a less than "priestly" comportment, but come on! Rev. Paul Shanley was a founding member of NAMBLA, for Christ's sake! Let's get a fucking clue, people!
Institution: Sense of proportion
Severity: 3,000
Points: 26,350
Arafat Grabs High Ground, Israeli Likud Rolls In Mud
Yasser Arafat, Reasonable Man, hit the talk show circuit this weekend. Gone was talk of martyrdom. Gone was the pistol on the desk before him. Arafat said he accepted the existence of the Jewish state of Israel, even as Israel's Likud was saying "no dice" to a Palestinian state of any kind over the strenuous objections of Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. Led by Benjamin Netanyahu, former prime minister and leading international candidate for antichrist (second only to John Ashcroft), the Likud did something which no other force on the globe could possibly have done — put Arafat and current Prime Minister Ariel Sharon firmly together on the side of peace. For all the bloody mess of the last several weeks, Sharon is a cooing cuddly dove compared to Netanyahu.
Institution: Peace? No, war? Wait, I'm confused...
Severity: 2? 12? 96? 3,045?
Points: Uhhhh...
Dub Declares Marriage Counseling An Entitlement
Man, I just realized it's been DAYS since I dumped on Dub! Where does the time go? Georgie-boy went on the air to talk about welfare reform this weekend: "Strong marriages and stable families are good for children. So stable families should be a central aim of welfare policy. Under my plan, up to $300 million per year will be available to states to support good private and public programs that counsel willing couples on building a healthy respect for marriage." If you're feeling incensed about this parochial, '50s-mentality, dysfunction-enabling, domestic-abuse-friendly, religiously motivated approach toward welfare, just console yourself with the realization that this is the very least of the insults, indignities, manipulations and curtailments of freedom Dub has inflicted on women in just one year and a half.
Institution: Women, again
Severity: 650
Points: 2,750
Cardinal Law Begs God To Smite Him Down
Cardinal Bernard "Stonewall" Law today asked Catholics to pray for the victims of priestly predators, with a special novena for the "renewal" of the Church, which he hopes will "bring healing to the victims of clergy sexual abuse." For myself, I really don't like the Christian brand of mumbo-jumbo-ism. Pagans have better parties. And anyway, there's something inherently wrong with thousands of Catholics reciting words on behalf of victims, when Law himself could do a lot more good by simply uttering the words "I REMEMBER!" in his next deposition. Testify, brother! No, really!
Institution: Empty gestures
Severity: 540
Points: 2,470
Lame-Ass Kids Can't Get It Right
They just don't make crazy bombers like they used to. The Unabomber was out there protesting against the mechanization of society and targeting the leaders of technological enhancement. Schmuck-boy Lucas Helder was trying draw a smiley face. Sheesh, kids today...
Institution: The legacy of Guy Fawkes
Severity: 340
Points: 480
Holy Stonewall, Batman!
Oliver Cardinal North testified today in a lawsuit over the church-sponsored pedophiliac spree of Rev. John Geoghan in the Boston archdiocese. The good cardinal came down with a terminal case of failure to recollect anything about Geoghan's many reassignments, various priestly abuses or where he left his keys.
Institution: Sacred cows
Severity: 300
Points: 350
Not To Put Too Fine A Point On It, But...
Why is it that we live in a country where the government wants to ensure our right to own and employ guns, but VIDEO GAMES are too dangerous? Fucking assholes...
Institution: Pac-Man Bloodfest 2001
Severity: 20
Points: 450
Ashcroft Continues Down Road To Hell
I should just clear up a possible misconception you might have after reading the headline: I don't think Attorney General John Ashcroft has good intentions. It might seem like his major career goal is destroying all constitutionally protected freedoms, but Johnny-boy has a soft spot for one cozy little corner of the Bill of Rights. You guessed it — bearing arms. You might not have the right to consult an attorney any more, but you do have an inalienable right to shoot an attorney.
Institution: Public health
Severity: 1,500
Points: 2,200
UPDATES: Gene Lejeune waxes semipoetic about non-Catholic issues in Miscarriages of Justice, but religion fares less well in Armed and Dangerous. Deities... Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em...
New Bombing Provokes Words Of War
Semantics really do count. In condemning the latest terror attack on Israel, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon declared that the Palestinian Authority is "a terrorist and corrupt entity," which means that the peace process is officially over. With that statement, Sharon is laying the groundwork to end Palestinian self-governance, most likely with open warfare. And the Bush doctrine — a semantic disaster that has bitten us on the ass a few times already — has already hamstrung our efforts to foster peace. What a fucking mess! (And that's a statement you can parse.)
Institution: Explosive situations
Severity:
Points:
Dub Pours On The Charm
When I saw the headline began "President Bush sends Clinton to..." I allowed myself a momentary flash of hope for the Middle East. That hope was swiftly dashed when I saw the headline ended with the words "East Timor." According to this CNN story, this is apparently supposed to be some sort of "goodwill" gesture. Uh, yeah.
Institution: Dubious honrs
Severity: 500
Points: 740
Stop The News! I Want To Get Off!
Some days I really miss having cable. The news just keeps on coming, with federal authorities making a not-an-arrest of the not-a-suspect in the mailbox bombing case (the story link may not be updated yet). Meanwhile, the Middle East not-a-peace-process suffered the usual sort of setback, while the massive Chinese plane crash continues to lack the star quality of a real lead story. Plus —' stop the presses! — Penthouse apologized to Anna Kournikova! Whew! Now THAT'S news!
Institution: Slow news days
Severity: 500
Points: 750
FBI Seeks Young Not-A-Suspect College Boy
CNN has been spewing breaking news e-mails all over my cell phone today, like an overeager teenage lover in the back seat of a car with Sally Sue. In addition to what looks like a gruesome plane crash in China, the FBI has issued an all-points bulletin for the suspect/witness in the Midwestern pipe-bomb fiasco. Luke John Helder is a fresh-faced lad with the kind of cleancut glow that can only come from being elected president of the local CYO. No word yet on what made Luke turn to the dark side (if, in fact, he did anything wrong), but I'm sure it has something to do with being a loner.
Institution: Loners
Severity: 100
Points: 300
Wim And Pim's Not-So-Excellent Adventure
Wim, the prime minister of Holland, has decided to let elections be held next week even though someone shot Pim, a right-wing politician whose party was already poised for a major victory. Pim's pals are salivating over a juicy sympathy vote that could catapult their "right-wing" cause into power. I put quote marks around "right-wing" because the Dutch concept isn't exactly what we expect here in the states. Pim favored legal drug use, gay marriages and euthanasia, and was openly and flamboyantly gay himself. His right-wing status appears to derive solely from his desire to slow (not stop) immigration into Holland. Not exactly le Petit Buchanan, although he was apparently an anti-Muslim bigot. To my mind, that makes him more an asshole than a right-winger, but who can fathom the inscrutable ways of the Dutch?
Institution: Dutch politics
Severity: 30
Points: 47
Sharon Comes To Bend Dub's Ear
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is on his way to Washington, D.C. For what purpose, you might wonder? To apologize for his recent defiance of U.S. mandates to end his nation's invasion of Palestinian territories? To sheepishly acknowledge his ingratitude for the U.S protection which is the only thing keeping his nation alive in a neighborhood full of enemies? To make a red-faced admission that he's trying to start WWIII? No, of course not! Sharon is here to explain to Dub that everything Israel has done is perfectly justified and to set the stage to do a whole lot more! Lucky for us, our president's no gullible, easily manipulated idiot... Uh... Oh, shit.
Institution: Peace in our time
Severity: 909
Points: 3,666
Inflation And The Price Of Silence
Not satisfied with simply blaming the six-year-old victims of priestly pedophilia, the Boston archdiocese is now whining that it doesn't have enough money to pay off the settlement proposed by more than 80 grown victims of its insidious cover-up. Oddly, they weren't complaining about cost for the last 30 years when their settlements/hush payments were insuring silence. Hey, last I checked, Cardinal Law and his cronies were hoarding a lot of solid gold housewares. Perhaps a yard sale would solve their financial woes.
Institution: Victims
Severity: 1,200
Points: 2,300
(Thanks to A.J. for the first link.)
UPDATES: The poll (at right) has finally been updated and I am filling in some blanks after a week where my attention was unfortunately diverted toward paying the bills. After the less-than-stellar performance of the pledge drive, I was indeed fortunate to find a couple of contract gigs which will bail me out of tax puragatory. The downside is they're soul-sucking corporate earnings assignments from hell which are consuming 10-14 hours a day and detracting from the frequency of updates here, although I am proud to say we're still (mostly) daily. Two more weeks of that, and I'm back to begging you guys for spare change, but as you can see at the Iconocraft link, I'm trying to move into a less psychically painful line of work. If you know someone who's looking to do a Web site and has money to spend, send 'em over there.
Terror 2.0 Strikes In The Heartland
The thing Osama bin Laden never understood was that to truly create terror in this country, you have to make everyone afraid. In the aftermath of September 11, a lot of people began to relax because they didn't live in New York or Washington, D.C., places that were obviously targeted for specific reasons. Now an apparently homegrown terrorist effort is hitting random people in Iowa and Illinois — not exactly centers of imperialism run amuck. Score one for terrorists; sucks to be us.
Institution: Relaxing
Severity: 400
Points: 575
California Police Nail Molestor Shanley
San Diego police nabbed "alleged" serial child molester Father Paul Shanley today, setting the stage for a trial which will be most uncomfortable for Boston Cardinal and Arch-Enabler Bernard Law. Hey, isn't the FBI supposed to chase interstate fugitives? Maybe the San Diego police should be running the September 11 investigation...
Institution: Pedophile priests
Severity: 300
Points: 1,400
I Traded In My Standoff For An Arafat-at-at-at-at-at
Well, on the bright side, Yasser's out of his cage in Ramallah. On the down side, all hell's breaking loose in inappropriate ways at the natal-theological Christian shrine in Bethelehem while the Israelis continue stonewalling the U.N., which wants to investigate reports of massacres in Jenin. If that's what you had in mind, if that's what you're all about, honey, good luck movin' up, 'cause IIIIIII'm movin' out....
Institution: Two steps forward with only one step back
Severity: 400
Points: 503
Oops
I know, I know, shit's happening in the world, and I'm running late. Mea culpa. Be there as soon as I can (which may be a while yet).
Institution: Fuckedworld
Severity: 300
Points: 349
UPDATES: Gene Lejeune is back with injustice in Miscarriages of Justice, carnage in Armed and Dangerous and, well, torpor, in Late Hits. Live the torpor!
Pakistani Leader Wins A Decisive Pretend Victory
Pakistan's military dictator won a landslide victory at the polls, reaffirming the power of pretend democracy and showing once again that the Pakistani people have an absolute right to pretend to have a voice in how their pretend nation runs. Pervez Musharraf was running ahead in the referendum with 98% of the vote. Obviously a keen student of American politics, Musharraf avoided the mistakes of his American counterpart, rigging the election by the WIDEST possible margin. Hey Jeb, I hope you're taking notes.
Institution: Dimpled chads
Severity: 400
Points: 12,300
I Met A Girl Named Ramallah-allallah-ding-dong...
The 476th deal to spring Yasser Arafat from his Ramallah compound/prison was struck today, and everyone was very hopeful... Just like they were 475 times before. Dub's really figuring out this whole foreign affairs thing!
Institution: Lucky 477
Severity: 40
Points: 130
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