Baseball Continues Planned ObsolescenceBaseball fans continued to send the message loud and clear to recalcitrant players: We don't care about you that much. As infuriated protestors filled the stands, the whiny millionaires joined arms and sang "we shall overcome" and waved signs saying "you have nothing to lose except your (24-karat gold chains). Meanwhile, the WWE ran a rather entertaining promo last night about the fact that their players don't strike (as previously noted on this site). If there was any remaining doubt that wrestling has it all over baseball, consider this: Baseball has John Rocker; wrestling has Billy and Chuck.
Fucked Concept: Baseball
Severity: Strike three, you're out of there, game over
For Amber Waves Of Grain... And StuffYou know, people write to me all the time and ask: "John, just what it is that we Americans are fighting FOR in this War on Terror? Why do John Ashcroft and Dick Cheney think our American security is worth any sacrifice?" Well, I present to you this photograph, in the hopes that you, the FuckedWorld reader, will understand exactly what makes this country great.
Fucked Concept: America
Severity: Six chimps and a corset
U.S. Takes Steps To Prevent Non-RepeatThe U.S. is considering restricting foreign-based flights on September 11, in order to prevent a repeat of something that never happened. Bear in mind, the four hijacked flights on that fateful day all originated in the U.S. Perhaps they should restrict flights out of Logan Airport in Boston, where half the 9/11 disaster took to the friendly skies, and leave the rest of the world to its own devices...
Fucked Concept: Learning from experience
Severity: What experience?
News Media Continues Slide Into HellSome Kennedy cousin I never heard of killed some woman I never heard of in some town I never heard of 20 years ago, and now he's going to jail. Apparently this is really big news. Whatever dude...
Fucked Concept: Wars, plagues, famines...
Severity: 20 to life
Friends, Who Needs 'Em?Well, you can't say they didn't warn us. The Muslim world slammed the U.S. plan to invade Iraq, with dire warnings from every quarter. Even Pakistan's U.S.-ass-kissing-sycophant-of-a-president Pervo Musharraf thinks it's a bad idea. You know, if a rag-tag group of angry Muslims living in caves can pull off an attack on the scale of 9/11, just think of the havoc that could be wrought by millions of angry wealthy Muslim nations with air forces and armies who also happen to control the world's oil supply. But then "just think" isn't a word-combination often uttered in the Dubya administration.
Fucked Concept: Frying pans vs. fires
Severity: Jumping now
Spin Till You Win?Here's the most novel interpretation of foreign affairs to come out of the Bush White House yet: President Dub and Saudi ambassador Prince Bandar bin Sultan are meeting at Bush's Texas ranch "because relations are strong," according to oily flak Ari Fleischer, who is apparently afflicted with a congenital birth defect making it impossible for him to read newspapers or watch CNN. Bush and the prince are likely to discuss such matters as "steps to bring about peace in the Middle East," a discussion which is sure to include Bush's visionary proposal to bring about peace by plunging the region into war and alienating all our allies in the region.
Fucked Concept: All we are saying, is give war a chance
Severity: Everybody hates us
Dick Cheney Is The Boss Of You TooGod help us all, but I think they're really going to invade Iraq. Any day now, apparently. Dick Cheney, waxing ineloquent on the subject today said: "What we must not do in the face of a mortal threat is to give in to wishful thinking or willful blindness." My "wishful thinking" was squashed by Cheney's next statement, that the U.S. will not "leave the matter for some future administration to resolve." A silly statement, because one way or another, some future administration is going be cleaning up this mess. As for "willful blindness," I wouldn't want to encroach on executive privilege, so I'll leave that to the pros.
Fucked Concept: Restraint
Severity: If they can't show a little, maybe they should be put in some
George Bush IS The Boss Of YouIn the most terrifying development yet, advisors to President George W. Bush told reporters that the president is in charge. AAAAAAAHHH!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!! Even more depressing, the thing they claim he is in charge of is whether to invade Iraq. Dub's cronies explained that the president needs neither the approval of Congress nor the approval of the American people to make his universally hated invasion proposal into harsh reality. So exactly what higher power does Dub answer to? As Martin Sheen's character says in The Dead Zone, "The missiles are flying. Hallelujah."
Fucked Concept: Checks and balances
Severity: Overdrawn and listing to the left
Star Trek's Best And Worst Stump TogetherThe best captain ever seen on Star Trek, William Shatner, appeared next to the worst captain ever, Kate Mulgrew, in a political fundraiser for Mulgrew's husband, a Democratic candidate for governor of Ohio. Now, any candidate could certainly benefit from Captain James T. Kirk's over-the-top oratorical style (if not Shatner's way-over-the-top prose renditions of rock standards). But Trek Captain Kathryn Janeway, mostly noted for provoking idiotic fan obsession over her hairstyle, wasn't exactly the queen of elocution... even if she IS married to the guy.
Fucked Concept: Will they lobby for NASA funding?
Severity: Warp factor 10
Political Farce To The Nth DegreeSo President Dub today campaigned in California, in support of the Republicam candidate for governor, a man whose company racked up $80 million in fines during July for corporate fraud. Just yesterday, Dub-Dub said "We're going to find those who cheat, and we're going to prosecute them, and they're going to find out that instead of easy money, they've got hard time ahead of them." Hard time in the governor's mansion? Puh-lease... You know, if the Democrats weren't such bloodless fucking idiots, 2004 would already be a lock...
Fucked Concept: Shame
Severity: Now an obsolete concept
Non-Life Imitates Non-ArtThe makers of the new movie "Simone" have only just revealed the identity of the actress who stars in the title role as a computer-generated actress whose creator fools Hollywood into thinking she's a real woman. The producers of the movie had kept the real life actress's identity a secret, you see, because they wanted people to think that she was computer-generated simulation. Which tells you how stupid Hollywood thinks we are — if that hadn't already been demonstrated amply by the very existence of the movie.
Fucked Concept: Clever stupidity, or stupid cleverness
Severity: How did Al Pacino get roped into this?
Stick That In Your Forest And Smoke ItThwarted both at home and around the world in his solitary desire to invade Iraq, President Dub today turned his attention to destroying an easier target — the United States! The plan? Solve forest wildfires by CUTTING DOWN THE FORESTS! Brilliant! For an encore, he can prevent the spread of the West Nile virus by exterminating all the nation's wildlife, and he can reduce the recent rash of high-profile kidnappings by requiring families to slay their first-born...
Fucked Concept: Occam's Razor
Severity: Dub: "Isn't Occam the green monster that lives in the trash can on Sesame Street?"
Clinton Back On The TV ProwlThe rumors have heated up once more, suggesting that former president Bill Clinton is once again in discusssions about having his own TV talk show. It's not entirely clear how this would benefit the world, but it would give Clinton access to the airwaves, on the off-chance that some sort of national emergency renders the current administration incommunicado. We could have a real Haig moment!
Fucked Concept: The dignity of the office
Severity: Well, there's really nowhere to go but up
The Little Death, And The Big OneA 72-year-old German disco mogul... Oh, hell, once you read that subject, you know the predicate's going to be pretty entertaining, don't you? A 72-year-old German disco mogul is offering a $244,000 inheritance to the last woman he sleeps with. It's like a cross between Russian roulette, actual roulette and an X-rated episode of "Three's Company." The hook is that since he figures he's going to die any second, any and all interested parties would be well-served to come around early and often. It's mind-boggling to consider the vast array of psychological complexes afflicting anyone who actually takes him up on this offer...
Fucked Concept: Needlessly elaborate plans
Severity: Isn't prostitution LEGAL in Germany?
When Hollywood Goes BadThose who do not remember movies are condemned to repeat them. Despite "Jurassic Park," a bunch of scientists are planning to clone wooly mammoths as the central attraction for a nature theme park. D'oh! Don't they know that this venture is doomed to go disastrously awry? And from mammoths, we're really only one small step away from Gamera...
Fucked Concept: Giant fire-breathing turtles
Severity: 350 million years
Texas, Where The Brainless RoamA suspicious white powder arrives in the office. What is a poor, hapless, corporate peon to do? Rub it all over his face and in his hair, of course! OK, granted, that is a slight exaggeration of what happened in a Texas travel agency office, but still, it sure looks like these people managed to get the stuff everywhere in no time flat. Anyway, it wasn't anthrax. But then, do you really think terrorists are out to get hotels.com? I mean, disgruntled investors, sure... but al Qaeda?
Fucked Concept: Workplace safety
Severity: Maybe OSHA should write up some guidelines...
U.S., Iraq Vie For Top Asshole StatusThe war of the blowhards continued in earnest today, as Dubya "secretly" pondered bombing an alleged al Qaeda site in Iraq. For its part, Iraq dragged reporters around a baby-food warehouse which is allegedly another potential bombing target. You know, it's really hard sometimes to decide who to dislike the most.
Fucked Concept: Good guys
Severity: None to be found, unless you're partial to Luxemborg
Pope Vows He'll Be Pope Until He's NotThe pope promised today to see his regime through to "the end," whatever that is supposed to mean. I guess it's kind of like saying that a lost item is "always in the last place you look!" Well, no shit. Once you find it, you stop looking.
Fucked Concept: It ain't over till it's over
Severity: When does the fat lady sing?
A Plague On Both Your HousesThe insidious, mostly non-lethal, barely-even-know-you-have-it West Nile virus continued to spread like wildfire across the U.S., spreading a vicious and evil wake of mild discomfort everywhere it went. Yikes!
Fucked Concept: Epidemics
Severity: Not exectly the Black Death
Saudis Keep Their Priorities StraightThey laughed off pressure from the White House. They weren't fazed by the Pentagon report identifying them as a potential U.S. enemy. Ah, but the $116 trillion lawsuit, now THAT'S hitting them where they live! "Insulting our dignity is one thing, but KEEP YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OFF OUR MONEY!" Where every other provocation failed, the Saudis are now screeching jingoism with a familiar furor, and their threatened response is pretty apocalyptic as well: "Assuming the court proceeds with this lawsuit, the Saudi investment community, already in shock, will start withdrawing their money" from U.S. markets, according to one economist. That's a $750 billion withdrawal from a stock market already in tatters. Looks like WE could be the ones living in tents soon...
Fucked Concept: Money changes everything
Severity: The best things in life are free
Do The Russians Love Their Children Too?Russia and Iraq are reportedly close to signing a $40 billion economic package, despite the fact that the U.S. president is still nursing an itchy trigger finger toward Mideast impotentate Saddam Hussein. It's not entirely clear who is bailing whom out in this deal, but the return of the Cold War would probably be a boon for the Russians at any rate. Mr. Putin, build up that wall!
Fucked Concept: The international coalition against terror
Severity: One lump of coalition in Dub's stocking
Not Good For Goose, Still Good For GanderHey, wasn't there some sort of big stink a while back about Clinton supporters getting overnight visits to the White House? Weren't there a bunch of mealy-mouthed Republicans making a big stink about it? Did the rules change when I wasn't looking? Apparently, they did. Funny thing, that...
Fucked Concept: Leading by example
Severity: I'm becoming numb
Famous Israeli Patience Again On DisplayIrsrael today urged the US to waste no time mounting an attack on Saddam Hussein, arguing that Iraq grows more dangerous with every passing moment. Dangerous to whom? Well, to Israel certainly, which based the advice on reports from its intelligence service, which has an amazing knack for producing all kinds of smoking guns whenever Ariel Sharon deems it politically expedient.
Fucked Concept: Peer pressure
Severity: Do we really need to be urged?
What The Hell Is Wrong With The FBI?After examining the remains of former Congressional intern Chandra Levy for nearly three months, the FBI has — shockingly — been unable to find any clues about the identity of her murderer. But then, crime really isn't their thing any more. Unless Levy's illicit lover — former Congressman, big liar, total sleazeball and on-again/off-again perhaps-too-good-to-be-true non-suspect Gary Condit — turns out to be a member of al Qaeda, it's safe to say this investigation is likely to just fade away...
Fucked Concept: Justice for all
Severity: I'm out of order? YOU'RE out of order!
Group Makes History, Stupidest Name EverFamilies United To Bankrupt Terrorism, or, uh, um... FUBT. What was I saying? Oh, yes, uh... So, FUBT is suing international banks, the companies run by Osama bin Laden's family, the government of Sudan, various sheikhs and just about anyone else connected to al Qaeda for the sum of one... hundred... sixteen... trillion... dollars! (Insert Dr. Evil laugh here.) Well, um, good luck to you!
Fucked Concept: Why not Families Acting to Sue Terrorists?
Killin' Ain't Much Of A Livin', BoyIt seems like Texas is always embarrassing us. I mean, there's the obvious, but also, for instance, the state's penchant for executing foreign nationals, for instance. Now, granted, Texas might have a point on this case, which seems to be kind of murky and pointless. Although, the state has a funny outlook on exactly who deserves a reprieve and who doesn't. Then there's the baby snatching... and the alligators in the schools... and the allegedly wife-beating former pro wrestling star... and the drunken teen beauty queen... and John Rocker...
Fucked Concept: Mess with Texas... please...
What A Relief!Incredibly, George W. Bush is optimistic about the future of this country. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, I mis-read the headline. He's "incredibly optimistic" about the future of this country, specifically the economy. I guess ignorance really is bliss. Speaking of our economic future, rest assured it's in bad hands. As sharp-eyed reader Christina points out, the White House staff can't even spell the president's name right. Not once but TWICE IN A ROW in bold type at the very top of the document.
Fucked Concept: Why do fools fall in love, run for office?
News Flash: Cardinal Law Is CrankyBoston's Channel 7 today featured a lead story on newly released tapes of Cardinal Bernie Law under deposition in a priest pedophilia case. The shocking conclusion drawn by the intellectually impaired reporter: By analyzing his body language, Channel Seven has learned that Cardinal Law was not happy to be in court answering questions. Stop the presses! Needless to say, I watch Channel 7 purely for its entertainment value. Even FOX has better news coverage...
Fucked Concept: Channel 7
We're All Going To Die, In Case You CareOh, by the way, in case you missed it on the "international roundup" on your local newscast, there's a giant toxic brown cloud roaming the globe that could kill everything in its path. You'd think they would preempt "Montel Williams" for something like that, but you'd be wrong.
Fucked Concept: Nonchalance in the face of death
Baseball Threatens To Deprive Us Of Its Splendor
Ah, baseball: The most worthless, tedious, painfully unwatchable sport in history! It only follows that its petulant, self-important multimillionaire players are going on strike once more, whining about their miserable lives. You know, it costs a LOT of money to keep up that cocaine habit! Clearly, these guys need to go schlep around in a mine for a while, or possibly flipping burgers. What a bunch of spoiled candy-asses! Any given week's "Smackdown" contains all the entertainment value of an entire SEASON of baseball... You NEVER see professional wrestlers go on strike!
Institution: America's past-time
Severity: Bottom of the ninth
Points: 3 and 2
Let There Be Peace On Earth, And Let It Begin With... Uh...Him! No, Wait, Her! No, Him! Well, It Sure As Fuck Isn't Going To Be Me! Shut Up! I Hate You!
When George W. Bush took office, there were a bunch of Arabs who hated us. Not content with that state of affairs, Dub has worked and worked and worked, and, now, at long last his efforts are paying off. Now, thanks to his tireless campaign, ALL the Arabs hate us.
Institution: Why can't we be friends?
Severity: People are people, so why should it be...
Points: I'd like to teach the world to sing
There Is No Justice In The World
Ok, so let me get this straight, Martha Stewart skims a couple hundred thou tops with an admittedly dicey-looking stock transaction that might perhaps represent as much as one one-hundredth of her net worth, and she gets her color-coordinated, jasmine-scented ass hauled before Congress, while Dub and Dick are potentially linked to millions of dollars of corporate fraud at companies THEY RAN, and THEY are the voice of MORAL AUTHORITY in the nation? Give me a fucking break! While I'm as happy as the next guy to see Martha get her just (and tasty) desserts, I can NOT believe that this is REMOTELY important enough to justify the attention of Congress. Perhaps someone on the Commerce committee is a spurned lover...
Institution: Priorities, people!
Severity: 10,000
Points: 34,400
I Flyyyyy So Hiiiiigh When I'm Stoned...
What could be more relaxing than a vacation trip starting with a flight of the damned, crewed by angry, fearful people who are living under the threat of imminent layoffs, run by a company that probably can't afford to pay for the fuel that keeps you aloft, let alone for frivolous excesses such as maintenance checks? Happy trails!
Institution: Relaxation
Severity: 500
Points: 1,200
Dubya Now Less Popular Than Saddam Hussein!
You know you're in trouble when even your friends think Saddam Hussein is smarter than you are. House Majority Leader Dick Armey, who is certainly no dove when it comes to international relations, today warned the White House that attacking Iraq is a bad idea. Needless to say, Dub and the gang aren't listening. Clearly, Ronald Reagan and Charlton Heston aren't the only prominent Republicans with serious cognitive problems
Institution: Stop making sense!
Severity: Who could imagine a would in which Dick Armey and I are on the same side of an issue?
Points: My brain hurts!
A New Come-On Line For Men
"Hey baby, I know you have that big race tomorrow, so I think you'd better come home with me! Really! It will help!" (The study in question notably didn't distinguish whether the sex has to be good. The study was obiovusly performed by men.)
Institution: Any excuse
Severity: 400
Points: 5,030
I Could Have Told You This
Turns out crows are now the leading contender for smartest non-humans on the planet. A research team in the U.K. discovered that a female crow figured out how to make tools all on her own, a feat unequalled in the animal kingdom. Next thing you know, the crows will be running multinational corporations beset with accounting irregularities.
Institution: Humans
Severity: Soon to be obsolete
Points: Long live the crows!
Exactly How Bad Is This?
Reader AJC highlights the following paragraph from a story in the UK Guardian: "It appears that, in its efforts to push the election 2000 recount in Florida in Bush's direction, his campaign workers rushed about the state in corporate jets provided by three companies now under federal investigation — Enron, Halliburton and Reliant Energy." I am verklempt.
Institution: The U.S. media and its obliviousness
Severity: 940
Points: 2,300
After 10 Years, He Could Come Up With Some New Lines
Saddam Hussein speaks! The Buffoon of Baghdad says that if the U.S. attacks his country, "The forces of evil will carry their coffins on their backs, die in disgraceful failure, taking their schemes back with them, or digging their own graves." Now, I'm no big fan of the "invade Iraq" mentality, but somehow this claim seems unlikely on the face of it. Saddam added that "no greedy tyrant should be misled into an action the consequences of which are beyond their calculations." Now that one just seems like a cheap shot, since Dub can't even PRONOUNCE "calculation" let alone DO one!
Institution: Dick-tators
Severity: 500
Points: 5,300
Saudis To U.S.: We Love/Hate You
The Saudis today told the U.S. it could kiss off any plans to invade Iraq using Saudi soil as a base of operations. Nevertheless, the Saudis say that we are their friends, and that we should all ignore a secret Pentagon document painting the Saudis as an emerging enemy. Alienating the world's richest and most influential oil-producing nation? Now THAT'S coalition building! That long-awaited economic recovery is RIGHT around the corner!
Institution: WWIII, fait accompli
Severity: 490
Points: 4,670
The Day Terror Fell From The Skies
Today, of course, is the day we all sit back and have a solemn moment of reflection on the thousands of civilian killed when someone sitting far away from the battlefield sent planes to do his dirty work. What? No, it's not September 11! It's the 57th anniversary of the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings, when U.S. A-bombs obliterated more than 210,000 Japanese civilians. You might wonder why we dropped those bombs on a mostly civilian target instead of a military one. The answer is that we wanted to terrify the goverrnment of Japan into a swift surrender. Do you see where I'm going with this? (Thanks to reader Scott for pointing out the date.)
Institution: Double standards
Severity: 57
Points: 210,000
Terror Rampages Over U.S.! No One Notices!
The terrifying al Qaeda cabal launched a cyber attack on U.S. Internet providers today... with no discernible result. Fortunately for the U.S. economic infrastructure, there was no interruption to the flow of e-mails touting HGH supplements, lower mortgage rates and free porn passwords. Whew! However, one vital part of the Homeland could have been disastrously impacted — traffic to THIS SITE was DOWN! Quick, Tom Ridge, call a Code Red!
Institution: The purpose of terror is to stupify
Severity: 500
Points: 5,300
Dub Twiddled While New York Burned
Score one for the Arkansas contingent in the neverending P.R. battle between the Bush and Clinton administrations. According to Time magazine, Dub and his cronies were so busy letting the guys from Enron play with the buttons in the Situation Room that they neglected to implement a Clinton administration plan to destroy al Qaeda. The plan was still gathering dust in bureaucratic review while bin Laden's buddies were crashing jets into U.S. landmarks. Whoops!
Institution: A rare P.R. win for Clinton (no doubt to be followed by yet another depressing loss)
Severity: 800
Points: 5,400
In God We Anti-Trust
Microsoft coughed up the secret of its Windows code, finally coming into compliance with an antitrust settlement signed last year. To make up for the long wait, Bill Gates also disclosed the secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken, the awful hidden fate of new Coke, and the REAL identity of the person who shot J.R. (all information which someone made the mistake of storing on a Windows-based PC).
Institution: Being antitrustworthy
Severity: 400
Points: 2,040
Chewing The Scenery... Or Possibly The Cast
Somebody notify the Academy! For your consideration as "Best Picture," may we present "Freddy vs. Jason," coming soon to a theater near you. The announcement is actually the latest in a series of "Vs." titles in development, including "Batman vs. Superman" and "Aliens Vs. Predator." Oddly, none of these "Vs." movies are being developed by World Wrestling Entertainment's new film-making arm, which would seem to be a natural for this sort of thing.
Institution: Why is it the cool ideas never seem to win Oscars?
Severity: 500
Points: 1,275
UPDATES: Coming later on today! Furthermore, we're back in the daily business for now, so expect a week-long bile-a-palooza! Whoo-hoo!
From The Days Of Yesteryear...
Remember back, oh, about 75 years ago, when someone was sending anthrax in the mail and everyone was all freaked out? Well, the FBI is closing in! Really! Kind of! Sort of! Never mind...
Institution: The long arm of the Law
Severity: 2,400
Points: 4,900
Corporate Crime Does Not Pay! Well, Sort Of...
The former CFO of WorldCom was dragged off in chains today, to face federal fraud charges for misplacing about $4 billion from the telecom giant's financial statements. Now we're cooking! Corporate executives will know they can't mess around with America's retirement funds! Now if they could only nab those sleazeballs from Harken and Halliburton, we'd be all set...
Institution: Corporate criminals
Severity: 4 billion
Points: Trillions left to go
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