The Worst-Laid Plans Of Mice And Morons
 In the words of George W. Bush's intellectual role model, "D'oh!" Just a couple weeks ago, Dub's little scheme to railroad the world into condoning an invasion of Iraq seemed like it was kind of crazy, but it just might work. Today, it looks like it's just kind of crazy. France and Russia slammed the U.S. today for using the U.N. as an imperialist bludgeon (France) and separately for just starting the war without telling anyone (Russia). Damn those Russians! We're Americans! We have a right to encourage an international debate over we should stage an invasion that actually began two weeks ago!
Fucked Concept: The good, old rubber stamp U.N.
Severity: It was going great before the Russians opened their big mouths!
 INSIDE TODAY: Andrew Conway brings you the tips for American Fifth Column, uranium hijinks, presidential lies (I am shocked, shocked) and much more in Where's the Soap today. From Friday, there are also fresh updates in Patrick Moran's Pass The Buck, Ground Zero and Sins of the Flesh.
U.S. Unleashes Weapon Of Mass Distraction
The Washington Post revealed today that the Bush administration will target Iraqi field commanders with the most terrifying weapon in our arsenal — telemarketing! "Hi there! Sorry I missed you! I just was calling to let you know that we're installing democracy in your neighborhood, at a special price of 150 million barrels of oil a day! And for that price you get TWO houses of legislature and a president almost as good as the one we have in the U.S.! So why don't you give me a call when you get back in?" Or something like that.
Fucked Concept: The gentle art of persuasion
Severity: Since when do we prefer talking to kicking ass?
SITE ALERT: Chaosdancer is back. And a certain hosting company had better be planning my refund already, or there'll be hell to pay...
Mr. President, Dr. Freud Is On Line Two
President Dub sank to a new low Thursday, finally revealing the real reason that we're invading Iraq: "This is the guy who tried to kill my dad." Finally, let's get it all out into the open! We all know how incredibly disturbing it was for young Dub at the time he first discovered Saddam was trying to kill his dad. In his rage and grief, he lashed out in the only way he knew how — by abusing public money and political connections to fund his baseball team at public expense and cutting a sweet insider trading deal in which he unloaded about $850,000 in Harken Energy stock for a 200% profit just before the company announced huge losses and its stock plummeted. I guess he could have signed up for the war effort instead, but that would just have been so... so... so... inconvenient! Ah, the pain! Oh, the agony! Oh, Dad! Dad! Dad!
Fucked Concept: Dubya Rex strikes again!
Recommended Reading For Concerned Citizens (and Saddam Hussein): Mankind's Oedipal Destiny: Libidinal and Aggressive Aspects of Sexuality
Severity: Does he get to sleep with Bar if he beats Saddam? If so, will he videotape it?
P.S. Dub already started the invasion. He's just not calling it that yet. Welcome to World War III...
You Want Relevant? Try THIS On For Size
Dub keeps babbling about the U.N., saying things like "the United Nations ... will tell the world whether or not they're going to be relevant, or whether or not they're going to be weak. For the sake of world peace, I hope they're relevant." Well, the U.N. gave its answer today in a resounding clarion call for freedom and human rights, as it threw its awesome power and majesty behind a French ban on dwarf-tossing. Could the "League of Nations" do that? I think not!
Fucked Concept: League of Nations, my ass!
Severity: Next stop, Iraq!
Condy Rice Thinks She's Smarter Than You
Surprise, surprise, surprise! Yesterday, when asked whether al Qaeda was a bigger threat than Iraq, President Dub came up with this: "That's a — that is an interesting question. I'm trying to think of something humorous to say. ... It's a comparison that is — I can't make because I can't distinguish between the two, because they're both equally as bad, and equally as evil, and equally as destructive." Somehow sensing that this response was not terribly satisfying, the administration sent out subgenius Condy Rice last night to explain it all for you.
On PBS's Newshour, Rice stepped up to the plate and hit a foul tip right out of the park! It began like this: "We clearly know that there were in the past and have been contacts between senior Iraqi officials and members of al-Qaida going back for actually quite a long time," including Iraq allegedly training al Qaeda in chemical weapons.
Now, skeptics might wonder why such a fact is coming up at such a late date. Other skeptics might wonder why this information wasn't in Tony Blair's big old dossier of reasons why it's OK to kick Iraq's ass, released earlier this week to dissuade the international community from dragging Dub up on pre-emptive war crimes charges. But the best part of idiot Condy's speech was as follows, and the italics are mine:
"No one is trying to make an argument at this point that Saddam Hussein somehow had operational control of what happened on September 11." AT THIS POINT? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I can NOT fucking believe that at this late date, the administration is even CONSIDERING trying to pin Sept. 11 on Saddam! HOW STUPID DO THEY THINK WE ARE? Pretty fucking, stupid, apparently, because Rice continued: "We don't want to push this too far, but this is a story that is unfolding, and it is getting clear, and we're learning more."
The problem here is the same as it has always been. This administration put the cart so FAR in front of the horse that everything is suspect. Dishonesty is the Bush administration's stock in trade. First, they insisted that this nation MUST invade Iraq. When no one was convinced, they started groping for reasons, each more incredulous and unlikely than the last. Liars, liars they are, and not even good ones. They insult our intelligence with their crude games, and what's far worse, is that Americans on the whole seem to be buying it — lock, stock and soon-to-be-smoking barrel.
Fucked Concept: WAKE UP!
Severity: You are being fucked!
Maybe Not So Feeble After All
It's about time! Since no one ran them out of town for their cautious comments over the last week, the Democrats have turned up the volume and are making Bush bashing a worthy pasttime once more. The normally craven Dick Gephardt joined Tom Daschle in an aggressive attack on President Dub's ham-handed political rhetoric, in which he essentially characterizes anyone who disagrees with him as treasonous, unpatriotic, anti-American slimeballs.
Fucked Concept: Dissent
Severity: Getting better
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Democrats Mount Feeble Insurgency
Congressional Democrats very nearly showed some backbone this week, in a flurry of minor political slurs, half-hearted strategems and unrealistic proposals all designed to prove to the world how very uncomfortable they are with invading Iraq, while still making the point loud and clear that they are far too pusillanimous to actually deter said invasion by an organized opposition. Those few who dare raise their voices in dissent still anxiously wring their hands while insisting that the invasion is still somehow justifiable. Except for Al Gore, whose spirited attack on Dub's fire-death-blood-lust reflected much you have read on this page of late. It actually inspired a brief glimmer of hope in my heart... Until I remembered Campaign 2000 anyway...
Fucked Concept: Granted, Gore actually won the election
Severity: Considering the opposition, he should have had a Jeb-proof margin. There's really no excuse.
We're Back To Mellow Yellow (Quite Right)
I never get tired of that headline! Our orangina state of alert has decayed to a cool lemonade, in a decisions personally approved by President W, so you know it must be well-informed. I'm quite sure we shouldn't be entertaining any nagging feeling that if we were terrorists, we might think the best time to stage a big attack would be right after they lowered the alert status. So go ahead and relax! Good thing, too! I was getting repetitive motion stress in my index finger from dialing 9-1-1 every time something happened that alarmed my state of increased vigilance.
Fucked Concept: Orange alert!
Severity: Urine Alert! Pus Alert! Jaundice Alert!
Ah, For A Sidekick Like Tony Blair...
Tony Blair today stepped up to the unenviable task of trying to put a sensible face on President Dub's rabid, foaming, blood-lust rage toward Iraq, with a dossier that claims Iraq has "military plans" for chemical and biological weapons. What, as opposed to non-military plans? He said Iraq is one to five years away from producing its own nuclear bomb, a fairly impressive accomplishment for a country where running water isn't necessarily assumed. Still, once we're done with them, you probably won't be able to find working batteries for your flashlight.
Fucked Concept: Convincing us W is a reasonable man
Severity: Still far from convinced
Like A Sea Lion With A Ball At The Carnival
The Consitution really works! Members of Congress checked the polls, balanced beach balls on their noses and prepared to give George W. the keys to the Armageddonmobile. Now, now, let's give credit where it's due. The ever-wise and responsible legislators were planning to show their toughness and fulfill their constutional responsibility for oversight by significantly editing Dub's resolution authorizing the use of force to invade Iraq — by removing the words "plus the whole rest of the world" from the last sentence. Now THAT'S what I call checks and balances!
Fucked Concept: You bark ever so slightly at the trainer's gun
Severity: The almighty animal trainer lets it go at that
Literary Footnote: If you're not familiar with Jethro Tull's "Sea Lion," it's on Warchild. Highly relevant, plus it rocks.
Donald Rumsfeld Is A Big Fucking Baby
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld sure knows how to nurse a grudge, refusing to meet with his German counterpart because those mean old Germans dared to say bad things about America. The way things are going, I think Rumsfeld had better suck it up, dry his tears and take it like a man. Otherwise, he'll only be able to meet with the British and the Canadians. And I'm not so sure about the Canadians.
Fucked Concept: Weapons of mass destruction and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me
Severity: Even Congressional Republicans think we're apocalyptic, globical maniacs, why should the Germans be any different?
SITE UPDATES: If you haven't checked out our new columns, you aren't a good America. Andrew Conway is prolific over in Where's the Soap?, with new items on money, sex and power (clearly, he's covering all the bases). SmackedWorld's pre-Unforgiven commentary is online, and three new weekly columns debuted Friday by cult movie auteur Patrick Moran: Pass The Buck, Ground Zero and Sins of the Flesh.
If At First You Do Succeed, Try, Try Again
After President Dub issued his stern and rabid warning that Iraq comply with all the U.N. resolutions requiring various levels of weapons inspection and limits on weapons of mass destruction. The Iraqis responded last week with an act of brazen capitulation. Those bastards! Did they think that meeting our demands would somehow satisfy our demands?
Fucked Concept: Our second demand: Prepare to be invaded.
Severity: Foreign policy as written by "The Rock": "The U.S. is gonna whup your candy ass, and there's exactly two things you can do about it. Absolutely nothin'. And like it."
Three First Strikes And You're Out
Screw turning the OTHER cheek! We aren't even going to turn the first one! See if you can follow this administration's latest exercise in contortionist logic: "We cannot let our enemies strike first," Prez W writes in a letter to Congress. Therefore, "as a matter of common sense and self-defense, America will act against such emerging threats before they are fully formed." Ergo, we "will constantly strive to enlist the support of the international community, we will not hesitate to act alone." Now, let's assume ALL nations were to employ this logic in the conduct of international affairs. Let's not even get into who could attach EACH OTHER using these guidelines. Here's a SHORT list of countries who can currently build a reasonable case for launching a first strike against US: Iraq, Iran, Sudan, Syria, North Korea, China and Cuba. And that's not counting the people we are about to alienate by taking unilateral action in Iraq, i.e., just about everyone else in the world.
Fucked Concept: Let he who is without shame throw the first stone
Severity: The stones are in the air, Hallelujah!
More New Columns For You Today!
More new stuff than you can shake a stick at! Oh, all right, you can probably shake a stick at it, but you knew what I meant. Today, marks the debut of three new weekly columns by Patrick Moran, the writer and producer of some movies you might actually have seen, including Biohazard 2, Jack-O and cult classic Vampire Trailer Park. Pat will be writing Pass The Buck, chronicling corporate evils; Ground Zero, about the executors of the fourth estate, and Sins of the Flesh, because what's politics without some religion to go with? Pat's columns will update weekly on Fridays. Yesterday, you met our new columnist Andrew Conway, who is writing Where's the Soap?, has been busy adding more stories about some of the unpleasant realities that have slipped the mainstream media's notice. Andrew's column updates whenever he feels like it, which is rather a lot so far. Also, the latest edition of SmackedWorld is now live. Enjoy!
Yikes! German Pol Compares W To Hitler!
German Justice Minister Herta Daeubler-Gmelin allegedly made an interesting observation about American politics this week, saying that President Dub's invasion fever is an attempt to divert attention from domestic woes. That observation by itself is nothing remarkable. Hell, you read it here every day. It was the postscript reported by a German newspaper that gives it some punch: "Even Hitler did that." Daeubler-Gmelin denied making the remarks. But considering that Dub has dropped the H word more than once in his attempts to justify his Iraqi adventurism, I'd say what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Fucked Concept: Calling a spade a spade
Severity: Honesty is the best policy, but not the best politics
Israelis Trash Arafat's Neighborhood
The Israelis went on a demolition spree in Yasser Arafat's Ramallah headquarters, flattening every building except the one that Arafat is (probably) sitting in, a punishment strike for a suicide bomb attack in Tel Aviv yesterday. "No one is going to kill Arafat, no one is going to expel Arafat," said an Israeli government spokesman. Whew! That's just swell! My confidence in a happy ending has been restored!
Fucked Concept: Peace in our time
Severity: Not unless you're a sequoia, and probably not even then
Exclusive! "Foolgate" Gaffe Caught On Tape!
( EDITOR'S NOTE: If you want to link to this sound clip, PLEASE link to THIS ITEM and not directly to the clip. Otherwise, you are costing me massive bandwidth without anyone actually coming to the site, which is the point of offering things like this in the first place. Thank you.) I noticed that a whole bunch of people seem to be searching for video of the President's Tennessee speech, which I mentioned earlier this week, in which Dub blundered all over trying to say "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." (See related item below.) Often the White House hosts video and audio of the President's speeches. This time, it was text only. But why all this attention for what is ultimately a relatively minor gaffe? I cannot say, but I aim to please, so I thought I would find the clip for you. The clever White House PR mechanism was smart enough to remove any links to the audio, but they weren't smart enough to remove the actual audio file from the server (at least for now; try this MP3 copy if the first link stops working). Here's the "can't be fooled" clip by itself if you don't have the stamina to listen to the whole speech. Aside from just sounding stupid, Dub also manages to sound like he's on his latest bender (an impression which is deepened by listening to the whole clip)... UPDATE: Apparently, the reason for all this interest is that Howard Stern was talking about the gaffe this morning. Hello, Stern fans!
Fucked Concept: Wasting away again in Margaritaville
Severity: Substitute "nuclear football" for "lost shaker of salt"
Full Disclosure: I actually typed the expression wrong here in my first draft, only to be chided by reader Michael C. Nevertheless, you shouldn't let the fact that I suck ruin the good fun of listening to the clip.
Dubya Rex Plots His Big Move
When I saw the Reuters headline " Bush Plans Draft Iraq Resolution," I jumped in my car and started driving. I was halfway to Canada before the radio clarified that we were talking about a "rough draft." Boy, was I embarrassed! Of course, once I heard the actual story, I was tempted to keep driving. Bush was planning to ask for "maximum flexibility" to do anything he wants to Iraq (but especially invade), for any reason at all (but especially "to make Daddy love me").
Fucked Concept: Daddy issues as the driver of world wars
Severity: Worst case since ancient Greece
More New Columns Debut Today
More new stuff than you can shake a stick at! Oh, all right, you can probably shake a stick at it, but you knew what I meant. Today, marks the debut of three new weekly columns by Patrick Moran, the writer and producer of some movies you might actually have seen, including Biohazard 2, Jack-O and cult classic Vampire Trailer Park. Pat will be writing Pass The Buck, chronicling corporate evils; Ground Zero, about the executors of the fourth estate, and Sins of the Flesh, because what's politics without some religion to go with? Pat's columns will update weekly on Fridays. Yesterday, you met our new columnist Andrew Conway, who is writing Where's the Soap?, has been busy adding more stories about some of the unpleasant realities that have slipped the mainstream media's notice. Andrew's column updates whenever he feels like it, which is rather a lot so far. Enjoy!
WTC Suicide Statue Mysteriously Disturbing
A statue of a naked, contorted woman falling, deliberately designed to recall those who fell to their deaths jumping from the World Trade Center on September 11, has been covered up because it UNEXPECTEDLY turned out to be really disturbing for people. Wow. Who could possibly have foreseen that? Ever the cosmopolitan sophisticates, New Yorkers greeted the statue with comments such as "It's not art. It is very disrupting when you see it." Because good art, as we all know, is never disturbing. Long live Thomas Kincaide!
Fucked Concept: Knowing the difference between art and what you like
Severity: Three forged Picassos and one genuine Kincaide
Rumsfeld Redefines The Art Of Logic
Hee hee! I love a nice bit of civil disobedience! Seems like the Bush administration can't go out in public without getting jeered. First, it was Colin Powell the other week at the World Summit on Sustainable Development. This week, it was bonny Donny Rumsfeld, whose House Armed Services Committee testimony this morning was interrupted by loud chants of "Inspections, not war!" by three protestors in the gallery. Here's a highlight: The Scientific Method, ala Rumsfeld, goes like exactly this: (1) Inspections can never work because they can never prove that Saddam doesn't have Weapons Of Mass Destruction. 2) It is, in fact, impossible to EVER prove by ANY means that Saddam does not have W.O.M.D. 3) It therefore logically follows that Saddam MUST have W.O.M.D., a premise which is automatically proven by our inability to prove it. 4) Ergo, we MUST invade, ipso facto.
Fucked Concept: Habeas corpus is strictly ex post facto
Severity: Ad hominem, ad nauseum
Gimme That Good Government Crack!
 Whatever Colin Powell is smoking these days, I want some: "I'm very pleased at the response that the President's speech has generated. I've had quite a number of bilateral meetings and I think that the political dynamic has changed, and there is a great deal of pressure now being placed upon Iraq to come into compliance with the UN mandates of the last 12 years." Yee-haw! We've got them right where they want us! Uh, or was that... Oh, never mind! Anyway, Bush's rhetorical dazzle was on display again today in Tennessee: "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — [very long pause] you can't get fooled again." Man-o-man-o-man, can't you just FEEL that dynamic changing right under your feet? (The actual expression is "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." It would have been very effective if he'd managed to spit it out.) For audio of the speech, see above.
Fucked Concept: Everything's so happy here in Happyhappyland!
Severity: Currently at right angles to reality
We Won! Happy V-I Day! Uh, Wait A Minute...
For a minute, it looked like we were going to have a bloodless war. Just one week ago, President W demanded that Iraq comply with all U.N. resolutions. Late last night, Iraq capitulated! They're allowing the arms inspectors in! Everybody's happy! Right? OF COURSE NOT! Iraq seems to have this funny idea that the U.S. is going to invade them come hell or high water. In fact, the Iraqis made it crystal clear their surrender was designed to eliminate any pretext for a U.S. invasion. You would think the U.S. would be smart enough not to rise to that bait within the first 15 minutes, but you would be wrong...
Fucked Concept: Stupid diplomacy tricks
Severity: Somethin's happening here, what it is ain't exactly clear. Oh wait, it IS exactly clear.
Sun Tzu Soprano's "The Art of War"
Reader A.J. sends this in this gem from former CIA director James Woolsey, explaining how to coax our reluctant allies into signing up for the war effort: "France and Russia have oil companies and interests in Iraq. They should be told that if they are of assistance in moving Iraq toward decent government, we’ll do the best we can to ensure that the new government and American companies work closely with them. ... If they throw in their lot with Saddam, it will be difficult to the point of impossible to persuade the new Iraqi government to work with them."
Fucked Concept: An offer they can't refuse
Severity: One horse's head in the bedclothes
Dub's Deal With Devil Finally Pays Off
It's the only explanation I can come up with anyway. The world is slowly allowing itself to be bamboozled into half-hearted complicity in George W. Bush's continuation of the family vendetta against Iraq. Saudi Arabia said today it would support U.N. action against Iraq, perhaps the first in a landslide of nations giving their resounding "Oh, all right, if you insist!" to President Ahab's hunt for the white whale.
Fucked Concept: The voice of reason
Severity: You're reading it. Be very afraid.
Florida: Most Corrupt State Ever
I was shocked, shocked to discover that the state of Florida was once again putting the screws to a former member of the Clinton administration. First there was Al Gore's infamous experience in the 2000 election; this time, it's Janet Reno. The state is refusing to allow a recount of the Democratic gubernatorial primary, which was (mind-bogglingly) even more screwed up than the 2000 election that ended with Governor Jeb literally handing the crown to President-reject W. Just wait until 2004! Maybe Jeb's (alleged, ha ha) crack-head daughter will run for secretary general of the U.N.!
Fucked Concept: Election by decree
Severity: Now it's time to say goodbye to Jeb and all his kin
Dogs Of War Hump Legs Of Peace
President W muttered ominous threats against his arch-enemy Saddam Hussein today, following up a reasonably articulate speech before the United Nations designed to appease our allies with yet more of the anger-fueled moral posturing that alienated those same allies in the first place. While bad-cop Bush vented his spite-choked spleen for reporters, Secretary of State Colin Powell half-heartedly played good cop with our top U.N. peers, trying to forge consensus for a war that no one really supports — not even Powell himself.
Fucked Concept: Rational public policy
Severity: Arguably never existed in the first place
If It Ain't Elian, It's Elections Or Terrorism
Florida just sucks. First there was Elian Gonzales (apparently some people still haven't gotten over that), then there was the 2001 election, then there's the governor's junkie daughter, then there was the 2002 election, and now it's possible terrorist attacks (although this looks slightly dubious). I have said it before, and I will say it again: Florida sucks!
Fucked Concept: Florida
Severty: Eight chads, a snort and three mad bombers without bombs
Not Ready For Prime-Time After All
 Don't you hate it when you recommend a TV show to someone, only to have the episode they watch turn out appallingly bad? If I was responsible for anyone actually tuning in to Smackdown! last night, I apologize. The commitment ceremony of Billy and Chuck — not to mention the entire rest of the evening — turned out to be a litany of horrors, starting at the beginning of the second hour and running right on through to the end (assuming anyone actually stuck it out that long). Mea culpa. Here's the detailed list of damages. Send me a bill. As penance, I'm also plugging the tell-all book "Sex, Lies and Headlocks," which I have myself read, and it's quite interesting. It includes details of several previous disasters along the lines of last night...
Fucked Concept: The WWE
Severity: Four consecutive German suplexes
U.N. Shocker! Did You Know Iraq Is Evil?
"We cannot stand by and do nothing while dangers gather." Finally, the U.S. is doing something about global warming! Bwah-haha-hahaaha-hahahha! Ah, I crack myself up! Seriously though, in a nearly coherent chat with the United Nations, Dub spelled out his vision for a kinder, gentler world, specifically one in which Iraq has obliterated from the face of the earth. It was unclear why Iraq should be punished so strenuously for its evil, when many of the arguments raised apply equally to a couple dozen nations around the globe. Nevertheless, it appears the American people are behind Dub's new crusade, judging from the rabid, bloodthirsty tone of talk-radio callers after the speech ended. What's really alarming about the preceding statement: I'm listening to NPR...
Fucked Concept: The ultimate fate of lemmings
Severity: How high is that cliff?
Billy and Chuck Grab Media Spotlight
The engagement of Billy and Chuck is now a full-fledged event. The intrepid former tag team champs reportedly appeared on the Today Show and Howard Stern today, with coverage by everyone from TV Guide to the New York Post (links will be posted when available). Just remember, and not for the first time, you heard it here first. Check in later tonight for the full scoop on the wedding itself.
Fucked Concept: Mainstream media (playing catch-up once more)
Severity: Why am I still laboring in obscurity?
Thank You, Sir, May I Have Another?
 It's official! The nation is well and truly flogged beyond belief! Yes, our national instinct for self-flagellation played itself out in grand style yesterday, with many tears, a fair amount of outrage, much ponderous pondering, many solemn intonations and topped off with a barely coherent, mostly recycled speech by President Dub. Ironically, the other news highlight of the day was an embarrassing reminder of how this overwhelmed man-child became president in the first place. Hey, have you heard the phrase "God bless America" in the last 10 minutes? No? Well, God bless America!
Fucked Concept: Beating a dead horse
Severity: 12,400 flies
Lockstep Unity, From Sea To Shining Sea
A year ago today, a real tragedy struck this country. Today, an unending series of opportunistic vultures paraded before the cameras to congratulate themselves for their imagined victories over terrorism, take advantage of our citizens' nobler impulses in order to justify their future power plays, vilify their enemies and exploit the legitimate pain of thousands of grieving families. In short, it was a gonzo celebration of this country's ideals — doing whatever it takes to get ahead, showing slavish reverence for a tri-colored piece of cloth, and standing mutely by as our "elected" leaders manipulate media messages with all the subtlety of a circus strongman wielding a sledgehammer. God bless America!
Fucked Concept: Dissent allowed only on even-numbered days
Severity: 365 days and counting
Thought For The Day, 9/11
 "We now dwelt in a very large prison, without walls, bounded by Canada, Mexico, and two oceans. There were the jailers, the turnkeys, the informers, and somewhere in the Midwest, the solitary confinement of the special internment camps. Most people did not appear to notice. Since there were no literal bars or barbed wire, since they had committed no crimes, had not been arrested or taken to court, they did not grasp the change, the dread transformation, of their situation. It was the classic case of a man kidnapped while standing still. Since they had been taken nowhere, and since they themselves had voted the new tyranny into power, they could see nothing wrong. Anyhow, a good third of them, had they known, would have thought it was a good idea."
— Philip K. Dick, Radio Free Albemuth
Fucked Concept: Extremism in the defense of liberty
Severity: It's no virtue
Everything To Fear, Especially Fear Itself
Damn, they should never let John Ashcroft anywhere near a camera. Didn't they learn from the last time? Ashcroft came out today to discuss the newly minted "Orange Alert" (below). In cadaverous tones, Ashcroft explained that there is no current, credible, specific threat on American soil. Nevertheless, his speech was sprinkled generously with such phrases as "savage attack," citing possible "suicide bombings" that would "lash out" against high profile "symbols of American power and authority" or even "small strikes" against ordinary Joes. Yikes! Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge crawled out of his cave to make an appearance as well, urging Americans to go on about their normal lives, while still taking time out to teach "duck and cover" routines to their children. Jesus Christ! If this is Orange, I'd hate to see Red...
Fucked Concept: Don't panic!
Severity: I said don't you fucking panic! STOP IT! STOP PANICKING! YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT, MAN!!!!!!
Just Like Her Uncle: Noelle's Nose Woes
Noelle Bush was allegedly found carrying rock cocaine at her drug treatment facility, prompting a police investigation and leading to yet another plea from Florida Gov. Jeb to "respect our privacy during this difficult time for our family." Give it up, Jeb. The beer-soaked escapades of Dub's twins can be filed under typical youthful exuberance. Crack cocaine is another matter. If political hay can be made from Gerald Ford's pot-smoking son and Jimmy Carter's beer-guzzling brother, I'd say Jeb's (allegedly) crack-smoking daughter is fair game. And then some.
Fucked Concept: Family values
Severity: Didn't Uncle George tell you never to get caught?
Orange Alert! Orange Alert! Dispatch Rover!
Well, I knew it was risky posting a bitch about the "yellow" alert system at this late hour. The government just raised the terror alert level from Mellow Yellow to Ornery Orange, on the basis of what is supposedly a "specific and credible threat." Whatever that's supposed to mean. I dunno, somehow I don't think I needed a government proclamation to warn me that the 9/11 anniversary would be a good time for vigilance. Frankly, I'd be thinking "red" if I were in charge. Of course, if I were in charge I doubt I'd waste time color-coding. Oh well, it's all terribly exciting anyway.
Fucked Concept: In your FACE, yellow!
Severity: Orange you glad you stayed in bed?
Bush, NBC Detonate Maudlin BombA tearful President W kicked off a veritable smorgasbord of solemnity last night, during the taping of an NBC prime-time extravaganza celebrating the grisly, telegenic deaths of 2,000-some people last year, deaths which have been given profound meaning by their uncanny ability to keep people glued to television sets for hours at a time. By the way, more than 100 people died in a train wreck in India overnight, and thousands of people are currently living in tents in China after a typhoon wiped out a substantial portion of coastline, but you're probably wondering why I'm boring you with such unimportant trivia...
Fucked Concept: Judging the relative newsworthiness of non-telegenic mayhem occuring among non-white populations
Severity: 7.6 on the Richter scale
New Threats Cited, But U.S. Is Still YellowThe FBI and other federal agencies began an orgy of preparedness today, citing various and sundry new terrorist threats around the globe. Nevertheless, the wonky color-coded terror alert system status remained yellow, yellow, yellow. Someone ought to give Homeland Security Director Tom RIdge a swift kick in the ass — if they can find him. For the last two months, the Fatherland Protection Czar has harder to find than Osama bin Laden.
Fucked Concept: Color coding to save our nation
Severity: Bleached
A Work-Friendly AlternativeMany of you have problems with firewalls at work which keep you off this site. A few of you just don't like the URL, especially when e-mailing friends about the site. Some of you work at monitors which can be seen by your co-workers. Some Webmasters would like to link to this site, but are prevented from doing so by policies against obscenity.
For all of you folks, I offer an alternative: A new sister site, Individual1.com. This site will feature all the content of Fuckedworld, and some bonus content, as well as a spiffy new user interface. The FW home page will continue to look exactly the same as it always has. But now the same content will also be available on Individual1. Gene's content will be rebranded to Individual1.
This fix will not work on all firewalls, unfortunately, because the content is still being hosted on the FW server with the new URL masking the old one. Smarter firewalls can see through this cheap trick. Eventually, to resolve this once and for all, I am going to migrate all my content to the Chaosdancer servers. All your old bookmarks should still work after that change, and the page will look the same as it ever has. But one step at a time. For now, enjoy the new page.
Saddam Isn't Just Evil, He's Also A Freak!The U.S. war against the world continued, in an increasingly tedious and ham-handed attempt to justify a war against Iraq. Rather than bore you with yet another diatribe on the idiocy of it all, I thought you would probably enjoy this story on Saddam's alleged mistress instead. Highlights include: The Butcher of Baghdad allegedly uses Viagra and herbal face masks, wears cowboy hats while watching videotaped torture sessions, and loves "The Godfather" and Frank Sinatra. I use the word "allegedly" because this whole story brings to mind Castro's exploding cigars, don't you think?
Fucked Concept: I traded in Osama for Iraq-aq-aq-aq-aq
Severity: If that's moving up, then I'm moving out
They Call It Mellow Yellow, Quite Right The anniversary of 9/11 approaches, tediously, inevitably, and ever-so-slightly worrisomely. Or maybe not so slightly, with threats feared or in play against U.S. interests everywhere from Manila to Germany to Oregon to London to Calfornia,
and just about all points between. And yet, the color-coded early alert system remains exactly where it has been since its invention — yellow. What the fuck? Is this a retroactive alert system? At the rate we're going, the ONLY time this fucking thing is going to change is two days AFTER the next terrorist attack...
Fucked Concept: War (on terror) — whuuuaah — what is it good for?
Severity: Absolutely nuthin'
This Is Your Captain... Do You Feel Lucky?"This is your captain speaking. We're at a cruising altitude of 10,000 feet and you may now unbuckle your seatbelts, safe in the knowledge that I am packing enough heat to take care of any terrorist threat. And don't worry! I'm not a lousy drunk like some of my colleagues! I've been off the sauce for six months now, ever since my wife left me for that stupid musclebound jock... I hope they're fucking happy in their new lives together... I hope they're happy sitting there in row 37, seats C and D... Fucking, goddamn... Uh, anyway, sit back and enjoy your flight! Hey, Jim, I'm putting this on autopilot for a minute. What? The intercom is still on?"
Fucked Concept: Now we're REALLY safe!
Severity: 8 miles high and falling fast
Not as "Easy" As Afghanistan?As a bit of sequel to yesterday's record-setting diatribe on Iraq (below), I just wanted to mention that the one thing EVERYONE agrees on is that invading Iraq won't be as easy as invading Afghanistan was. So we might not be able to create as much stability as we created in Afghanistan. And we might not achieve as many of our goals as we did in Afghanistan.
Fucked Concept: Afghanistan was easy!
Severity: Osama who?
SITE UPDATES: The new wrestling column has arrived! You know, the one I'm doing because nobody demanded it! Tell your friends! I picked a good week to debut — Billy and Chuck, wrestling's ambiguously gay duo, came out of the closet Thursday night on "Smackdown!" in a big way... There are also some updates (not earthshaking) over on whoisjohndoe2.com. And for those of you who follow my other site, Chaosdancer, I have completed the Chaos Tarot. Still online only, but some real life art prints are now available. Good stuff! I have one on my wall right now!
InsanityHeedless of the world's protests, George W. Bush continued his relentless drive to take this nation into a potentially disastrous war. It's hard to understand how this administration has become wedded to this insane course of action. The consequences of a war in Iraq are increasingly clear: The United States will throw down a gauntlet to the entire Arab world.
If the U.S. is Goliath, it faces an army of Davids, armed not with slingshots but with heavy artillery — the Arab League's stranglehold on world oil production. As easily as drawing breath, the nations of the Middle East — uniformly aligned against Bush's New Crusade — can bring the already-foundering economy of this nation to a screaming halt. We have no allies in this mad quest (save perhaps for Britain, and even that is by no means sure). We are simply a bellowing bully, the embodiment of violence in search of a victim.
Reasonable people can make a case for strong action in Iraq — but it's too far late for that to happen. The U.S. has issued its demands without making any case at all. Our intention precedes — and far outweighs — any justification. The Bush administration's hawks have displayed such single-minded fervor, such enthusiastic excess, that even a smoking gun must now be considered questionable.
No level of proof will ever convince the world that our invasion can be justified; our leaders have already made it clear that justification is merely an afterthought. Blinded by conviction, fanatics reflexively manufacture evidence to support their beliefs, no more conscious of the process than you are conscious of causing your heart to beat. In such cases, evidence is not something to be considered and tested and weighed. Evidence becomes an article of faith, a phrase in a Apostles' creed. Repeated endlessly, the recitation eventually transubstantiates into a sort of reality for the true believer.
Just three years ago, this planet enjoyed an era of unprecedented peace. Not quite one year ago, this nation became the beneficiary of an unprecedented outpouring of global goodwill and support. Today, a handful of vicious, petty, small-minded power-mongers have squandered all that potential. After the September 11 attack, George Bush had the chance to lead this nation and the world into a new era of peace and unification. Instead, he has chosen war and division. We stand on the brink of a return to the Dark Ages. How long do we have before George W. Bush pushes us over the edge?
Fucked Concept: Our future as a nation
Severity: Counting down
Thanks to Shelley for the Jimmy Carter link
Hey, Guy, Relax! Arabs Hint At DiscontentAh, the world of international diplomacy! Where men in suits bandy aphorisms designed to put a smooth and civil face on what they really mean! Take, for instance, this example of finely tuned diplomatic rhetoric from the conclusion of an Arab summit today in Cairo: "We will continue to work to avoid a military confrontation or a military action because we believe that it will open the gates of hell in the Middle East." Why don't they just say what they mean?
Fucked Concept: The global coalition
Severity: When the gates of hell freeze over
P.S. In case you missed it, these are the MAINSTREAM guys
Pumpkin Papers '02: Blair Bails Out A BudU.K. Prime Minister Tony Blair cast his lot firmly with President Dub, vowing to deliver a dossier on Iraq's evil-doings, in a bid to get even one solitary person somewhere on the planet to evince enthusiasm for a U.S. invasion of Iraq. Fat fucking chance. Still, it looks like the dogs of war will get their walk soon enough, and be damned sanity, morality and common sense. And Saddam Hussein, like Alger Hiss before him, is destined to become a historical footnote on the lengths to which men will go in pursuit of political power.
Fucked Concept: At least Saddam's actually a bad guy (unlike (probably) Alger Hiss)
Severity: Without the pumpkin, it's really not as much fun
SITE UPDATES: Gene Lejeune rings in with a "very special" Armed and Dangerous, featuring some scathing and insightful observations on our great national upcoming anniversary. Be sure to check it out. Other site updates include the new FW Online Store. If you haven't checked it out, you should, because I am now actually spending money to upgrade the storefront. Also, some time on Friday (most likely) I'm debuting a weekly pro wrestling column. Why, you ask? Because I want to, and it's my site. Why the fuck not?
I Prefer My Reality To Be Multiple ChoiceSo Dick Cheney says Iraq practically already has nuclear weapons, which puts him at odds with Colin Powell, who thinks Iraq has added the Andromeda strain to its biological weapons arsenal. Donald Rumsfeld claims Hussein has velociraptor DNA, but Paul Wolfowitz feels it's more likely Saddam has the Genesis device. Ari Fleischer told reporters that the Butcher of Baghdad possesses a Death Star, while the president himself told close associates that Saddam has mastered the Stone Cold Stunner. John Ashcroft warned that Iraq might know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried, and Condoleeza Rice is pretty sure the rogue nation is hiding Gamera in a baby food factory near the no-fly zone.
Fucked Concept: Don't panic!
Severity: One of 'em has gotta stick...
Is This Really True?"Problems are easier when you talk about them with friends — even painful, burning feminine itch!" That's a verbatim quote from a Vagisil ad doing heavy rotation on daytime television. Maybe the women who read this site can tell me if that's true. I suspect it's not. Certainly, no man has ever confided in me about a painful, burning masculine itch, for which I am eternally grateful. Apparently feminine itch is somehow more morally elevated than dumb old jock itch, judging from the extensive Vagisil Web site, which features such marketing innovations as the "Vagisil Victories Van." Imagine the excitement when you — and all of your neighbors — see the Vagisil Victories Van parked in your driveway!
Fucked Concept: Celebrate your burning painful genital itches!
Severity: Where are all the ads for Schlongisil?
FW Now Banned For 1.3 Billion People!The news has been buzzing over a report that China's government is blocking access to Internet search engine Google. But that's only half the story. A Harvard project lists hundreds of Web sites being blocked in China, including such heavy hitters as Amnesty International, the U.S. Army, Playboy, NPR, anything having to do with Tibet, the BBC — and most important of all, Fuckedworld! Finally, we've made it to the big time! Jiang Zemin can kiss my freedom-loving ass right along with John Ashcroft. Maybe I can sue China for lost revenues. If just 5 percent of China's 1.3 billion people bought an Uncle John coffee mug, we're talking $100 million or more!
Fucked Concept: Who better than the people of China to truly appreciate Martha Stewart's Erotic Journal?
Severity: I like their food, why don't they like my site?
One Nation, Under Satan...The state of Kentucky has temporarily halted Satanic worship services in its prisons. Now, we all know religious freedom is — in theory — supposed to protect followers of Satan as enthusiastically as it does followers of Jebus (as Homer Simpson would say). In practice, however, Jesus, Mary and Joseph get pretty much all the breaks, collect all the school vouchers and suck up all the prison chapel time. In my opinion, it's kind of a minor miracle (so to speak) that the Kentucky prisons had allowed any Satanic services in the first place. But it's the right idea. Freedom of religion isn't just for clean-cut Christians like the hateful Jerry Fallwell, the lustful Jimmy Swaggart, the bigoted Franklin Graham, the perverted John Geoghan and the corrupt Bernard Cardinal Law...
Fucked Concept: Freedom of religion as a popularity contest
Severity: Satanism's time has finally come
That Wacky Global Village Is At It AgainAs the U.S. pauses to celebrate the ever-more-ironic Labor Day holiday, the rest of the world continues its stampede toward isolationism. Our isolationism, not theirs. Pakistan, our super-awesome ally for freedom, says it doesn't want any U.S. troops swooping in to "help" them find Osama bin Laden. Elsewhere, the Swedes are prosecuting terrorists, but the Germans, not so much. Then there's the whole, tedious Iraq thing, as more of our friends line up around the world to tell us how much we suck...
Fucked Concept: Leader of the free world
Severity: It ain't me, babe
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