War On Terror Ends With U.S. Surrender!
As the Iraq War continues to be "over", you will find a curious little footnote buried in stories about the U.S. pulling out of Saudi Arabia: The War on Terrorism is over, and Osama bin Laden won. Whoops! From day one, al Qaeda's major political goal has been to get the U.S. out of the Persian Gulf generally, and very specifically out of Saudi Arabia (with its Islamic Holy Lands). The U.S. is obviously still in the Persian Gulf, so al Qaeda still has some work left. But America's position is much more tenuous and dangerous than it used to be, and there's just no way to deny that the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Saudi Arabia is a MAJOR victory for bin Laden. Furthermore, the ouster of Saddam Hussein has eliminated the ONLY motive the Saudis ever had to make nice with the U.S. and stem the billions of dollars flowing to al Qaeda from fundamentalist oil barons. No matter how you slice it, today was a good day for terrorism.
Concept: "We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail." G.W. Bush, Sept. 20, 2001
Severity: Tired, faltering and failed
RETURN OF BRINKSMANSHIP: Still no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. However, North Korea definitely has nukes. You remember North Korea, right? It's the country Dub ignored so he could invade Iraq. After the North Koreans told the U.S. they had nukes, they followed up with the question (and this is a quote): "Now what are you going to do about it?"
FREEDOM's JUST ANOTHER WORD: Donald Rumsfeld, clarifies exactly how Iraq will be "free" to choose its own form of government: "If you're suggesting, how would we feel about an Iranian-type government with a few clerics running everything in the country, the answer is: That isn't going to happen." Now THERE'S a statement that should go over really well.
It Takes A Village Of The Damned
The LA Times today confirmed earlier reports that the U.S. is detaining children at Camp X-Ray:
A "handful" of juveniles, described as between 13 and 15, were declared "enemy combatants" when they were arrested fighting against U.S. troops in Central Asia. They were flown to the detention camp earlier this year and, after a detailed medical examination, were determined to be youngsters, Army Lt. Col. Barry Johnson said Tuesday.
They needed detailed medical examinations to tell that a 13-year-old isn't a 19-year-old? If there are some 13-year-olds on site now, it's quite possible some of them were brought to Guantanamo Bay when they were 12. According to the government, most of the juveniles were brought to the camp at the beginning of the year, which suggests that either a) the Afghanistan war is still being actively prosecuted long after it was declared "over," or b) some of the 12-year-olds were transfered to Camp X-Ray only after being detained and likely tortured at a less hospitable location.
Even better, the story continues, "there is no intention at this point of simply returning them home before U.S. interrogators can thoroughly examine the youths." Nor would the Army commit to sparing children from military tribunals and their accompanying threat of a death sentence. But then, one could hardly expect any different from George W. Bush, a man who takes pleasure in executing the mentally disabled.
Concept: Evildoers are evildoers, period
Severity: Why stop at age 12? Maybe Dubya can insert an exception in his "partial birth" abortion ban to allow the termination of pregnancies which threaten homeland security and/or U.S. oil interests. But not in cases of rape or incest, because that would be immoral. Unless the rape or incest was committed by someone with ties to terrorism.
Somebody Call Victor Laslo, Quick...
The U.S. is now settling into its self-ordained role as "the boss of everyone" with alarming speed and scope. Secretary of State Colin "They-Used-To-Call-Me-The-Reasonable-One" Powell went on the record yesterday to warn France that it faced unspecified "consequences" for daring to disagree with the American invasion of Iraq. Yes, that's right, the U.S. will no longer tolerate evildoers who threaten our way of life by refusing to pucker up when we brandish our national ass. In a word, unfuckingbelievable. France now joins North Korea, Iran and Syria as nations "in the doghouse," a pre-bombing category which mysteriously does not include Saudi Arabia, a nation which not only opposed the Iraq war but has actually committed illegal and hostile acts against our nation — including allowing wanted al Qaeda suspects to roam freely about the country. France, Iran and Syria just don't have the right connections within the U.S. regime, I suppose.
Concept: Oh, by the way, bin Laden's there too
Severity: I'm sorry, did you think I was kidding?
Anything But Subtle
You might be asking yourself: What possible reason could the Bush administration have for opposing the return of weapons inspectors to Iraq? If you're thinking "because they haven't had a chance to PUT any there," you're probably in the right neighborhood.
Concept: Wasn't the whole pretext for this invasion that SADDAM wasn't cooperating with weapons inspectors?
Severity: Those "weapons of mass destruction" are beginning to look just as mythical as the Iraqis who were going to " greet us with open arms"
It Sucks To Be Right
I happened to read this article from the Onion over the weekend. It was a then-funny "parody" of Dubya's inaugural address, which unfortunately turned out the be painfully accurate. As, I suppose, we always knew it would be. Speaking of painful accuracy, you will note that my Three Reaons Iraq Will Be Worse Than Vietnam is well on its way. Don't be deluded by the media's declaration of U.S. victory. We're far from secure. Points one and two are still in play (see Pat Moran's excellent
Pass the Buck today for a trenchant summary of the ideological problem), but my major prediction, escalation, has well and truly begun. Although the media has declared an end to the war, it's really only just beginning — in places like Pakistan, Afghanistan, Syria, the Philippines, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, Israel...
Concept: Too soon for a parade
Severity: It ain't over till it's over
That Old-Time Religion
The Pentagon is really getting to be open-minded! To celebrate Good Friday, the top military brass recruited the Rev. Franklin Graham to make an appearance. Astute readers will recall that Graham (son of Billy) popped up in the headlines after September 11 with some high-profile remarks in which he said Islam was a "wicked," "violent" and "evil" religion. The Pentagon defended the appearance as being representative of its policy of "religious inclusiveness." Uh-huh. I guess the late David Koresh and Meir Kahane would have been welcome too. It's not really "inclusiveness" if it only extends to right-wing lunatics. But then what do you expect from the administration that hired John Ashcroft?
Concept: Hey, why not invite Osama bin Laden? Now THAT would be inclusive...
Severity: Although, technically, bin Laden is just another right-wing lunatic...
Short Attention Span Policy
The war on terrorism began. The U.S. annihilated everyone except the one actual guy they wanted "dead or alive," Osama bin Laden. When OBL proved to be "too hard" to catch, we got bored and moved on. "Osama bin Laden really isn't that important." Next up: Iraq. This time we wanted Saddam Hussein (and his weapons of mass destruction) "dead or alive." One war and thousands of Iraqi casualties later, and still no Saddam Hussein (and no weapons). Now "Saddam Hussein really isn't that important" (and neither are the still-apocryphal "weapons of mass destruction;" maybe we were looking in the wrong place). Next up for the "Wanted Poster" treatment: Syrian President Bashar Assad. If our track record so far is any indication, he'd better start looking now for a beautiful tropical paradise in which to luxuriate for the rest of his "numbered" days. That'll teach the bastard!
Concept: Surely you can't be Syria
Severity: I am Syria, and don't call me Shirley
The Spoils Of War
Well, Iraq has been reduced to anarchy, daily suicide bombings, continuing armed combat in the streets and armed confrontations between rampant looters and shopkeepers. If you think the looting is a problem now, well, just wait until Halliburton gets there. You ain't seen nothing yet. We also "liberated" Iraq's nuclear, chemical and biological weapons researchers, so they are now "free" to take their skills and supplies to Osama bin Laden. (Remember him? You know, the one who actually ATTACKED us, as opposed to Iraq?) We've also fully alienated the Arab world, but on the bright side, the French like us again! Better rename those "freedom fries" to "fair weather fries..."
Concept: The 'benefits' of war
Severity: OK, now I'M pissed at the French
When It Leads, It Bleeds
The news media reported that Iraqis were cheering U.S. troops in Baghdad today. But then, they'd better report that if they know what's good for them. A fresh set of charges surfaced Wednesday accusing U.S. troops of deliberately firing on journalists in Iraq. When U.S. air power leveled landmark buildings where al Jazeera and Abu Dhabi television jorunalists were hiding out, the resulting deaths were treated with all the gravity of a Jay Leno monologue punchline by the jingoistic flag-waving meatheads in Washington. However, we're now talking about people who worked for Fox News, CNN, Telecinco and Reuters. A reporter's group filed a complaint about all these violations of the Geneva Conventions, but the Defense Department shrugged it off with a chuckle and a glib "war isn't safe" sound bite. Next thing you know, they'll declare all journalists in Iraq "unlawful correspondents" and ship them to Camp X-Ray for some R-and-R.
Concept: "Freedom of the press" is just another word for nothing left to lose
Severity: 11 journalists (and well over a thousand Iraqi civilians so far)
P.S. What the fuck is a pulmonary embolism anyway? Sounds fishy to me.
Stupid Is As Stupid Does
From a story about embedded journalists bailing out of the Iraq War: Jerry Zremski of The Buffalo (N.Y.) News also gave up an embedded position with a U.S. Army unit, relocating to Kuwait on Friday due to safety concerns. "I feel like a hostage," he said in an e-mail that was published on USAToday.com. "I was told I would be going to Iraq for two days, but a general's change in plans changed this to at least a five-day adventure -- and far more danger than I'd expected." Jerry Zremski, in case your boss hasn't told you yet, let me just say, on behalf of all Americans: "You are a fucking idiot."
Concept: Wars are dangerous?!?!?!?!
Severity: No Pulitzer for you, dumbass
Bareback For Peace!
Sure, everyone knows their SUVs are gas-guzzling monstrosities that need continual fixes of Persian Gulf oil to ensure the free movement of our nation's vital supply of prepubescent soccer players over distances as great as six or seven miles. We obviously can't do without SUVs, but we also obviously need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil and thus eliminate the need for future idiotic wars. So what's the solution? It's easy! FW calls on America to stop using petroleum-based latex condoms! Yes, our voracious national appetite for condoms is putting money right into the hands of dictators and terrorists. Stop and ask yourself: How would Jesus fuck?
Concept: Barrier contraception
Severity: Sex isn't safe when it supports war
The 'Good Guys' Speak
From Reuters: U.S. officers said they believed most of the Fedayeen paramilitary fighters loyal to President Saddam Hussein had dropped their equipment and fled — but that a few were still in the city putting up a fight.
"Ideally, we would kill them all," Col. Joseph Anderson, a brigade commander of the 101st Airborne Division, told Reuters. "But if they choose to change their mind and flee, there's not much we can do." Concept: Not killing people is such a bummer
Severity: If only there was something we could do to convince them not to flee
Make The War Go Away
The bad news keeps on coming, even as war boosters celebrate the arrival of U.S. troops in Baghdad. More and more civilians are dying at the hands of coalition forces. Of course, quite a few coalition forces were dying at the hands of coalition forces. Thousands or hundreds of thousands of Iraqis are poised on the brink of starvation, as well. The global backlash continued to build Wednesday, while an epidemic of fatal pneumonia threatened to erupt worldwide and further disrupt the world economy, and the amount of spam flooding my mailbox reached near historic proportions. Sigh...
Concept: Lousy days
Severity: Could be worse ones ahead
Call It The Apocalypse Dow
NEW FEATURE: Fuckedworld is proud to present the " Apocalypse Now Industrial Average" (now appearing in the ticker at right). The ANIA is NOT an arbitrary number; it's a weighted average of selected catastrophic terms appearing in Google News searches.
The terms, such as "war," "disease" and "apocalypse" (and several others), are fed into Google; the number of hits are then averaged according to a secret formula, which yields the number you see at left. When the number goes up, the signs are that the apocalypse is growing nearer. When it goes down, the danger of the apocalypse is ebbing. The current number is pretty high, but trust me, it can go much higher.
Like the Dow Jones, the index may be adjusted periodically to add or remove terms, or to compensate for different factors which affect the measurement. There is an approximate "market close" time each day, which is used for comparison purposes. For a limited time, I will make code available for those who wish to include this index on their Web sites. E-mail me for details.
You Cannot Trust Dan Rather
In the first week of the war, 15 major stories were massively misreported by the leading U.S. media, according to Editor and Publisher, a journalism trade magazine. The stories include the following:
1. Saddam may well have been killed in the first night's surprise attack (March 20).
2. Even if he wasn't killed, Iraqi command and control was no doubt "decapitated" (March 22).
3. Umm Qasr has been taken (March 22).
4. Most Iraqis soldiers will not fight for Saddam and instead are surrendering in droves (March 22).
5. Iraqi citizens are greeting Americans as liberators (March 22).
6. An entire division of 8,000 Iraqi soldiers surrendered en masse near Basra (March 23).
7. Several Scud missiles, banned weapons, have been launched against U.S. forces in Kuwait (March 23).
8. Saddam's Fedayeen militia are few in number and do not pose a serious threat (March 23).
9. Basra has been taken (March 23).
10. Umm Qasr has been taken (March 23).
11. A captured chemical plant likely produced chemical weapons (March 23).
12. Nassiriya has been taken (March 23).
13. Umm Qasr has been taken (March 24).
14. The Iraqi government faces a "major rebellion" of anti-Saddam citizens in Basra (March 24).
15. A convoy of 1,000 Iraqi vehicles and Republican Guards are speeding south from Baghdad to engage U.S. troops (March 25).
While E&P's editor blasts the quality and objectivity of the reporting with satisfying vigor, he neglects to mention the process of how the media corrected the misreporting of the incidents above. Namely, they didn't. In almost every case listed, the news media employed some one of the following techniques:
A) Ignore the mistaken report as if it had never been made (i.e., "Umm Qasr was taken today," repeated each time without reference to the previous incorrect report).
B) Describe the change in reporting as a change on the battlefield, when in fact, the original report was simply never true (i.e., "Umm Qasr was taken but the Iraqis have now mounted resistance").
C) Continue reporting the incorrect information (i.e., "Iraq has launched scuds at Kuwait," which is frequently repeated, especially by local newscasts).
As the press scrambled to hold the military accountable for its actions, who is holding the media accountable? Where are the corrections? Where are the apologies? Even more importantly, where is the truth?
And these appalling errors don't even address the question of priorities. For instance, broadcast evening news programs led last night with the shooting of Iraqi women and children at a checkpoint. NBC didn't even mention it until five minutes into the broadcast, and then only after a long nonspecific comment about how hard it is for U.S. soldiers to deal with the threat of Iraqi soldiers posing as civilians. The disclaimer was nearly as long as the extremely cursory report, which lasted barely 20 seconds. Meanwhile, every non-American news source in the world trumpeted the story as the top news of the day.
When America becomes the target of a violent backlash by Muslim nations (the scope of which appears increasingly apocalyptic), we'll never see it coming, because Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather and Peter Jennings are oblivious, chattering nabobs more concerned about how their patriotism plays in Peoria than about telling people the truth.
Ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is a death wish. All issues of morality aside, the most important thing the U.S. media forgot to tell you is that this war is suicidal. If you don't believe me, start listening to the BBC (you can get it online). Start reading the overseas newspapers (you can get them online too). Start learning about the regimes in the Middle East and Southeast Asia which are most likely to react to these events. If you want to know what this war is doing to our country, you have to look outside the parochial, patriotic propagandists masquerading as journalists on your TV set every night.
Concept: Truth
Severity: No consequences
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