Worth At Least 1,000 Words
A Brazilian telecom company is beaming illustrations of sexual positions to wireless phone customers in need of a little inspiration. You probably had this story e-mailed to you a dozen times before breakfast, but NOW you have something to e-mail BACK to those people, because unlike certain OTHER so-called journalism Web sites, I actually bothered to go find the PICTURES. Warning: The following images are not nearly explicit enough. Bear in mind that Brazilian cell phone display technology is still strictly "1991 digital watch" style. With that disclaimer in mind, enjoy the following...
Fucked Concept: Brazilians trying to decipher these low-res images in a moment of passion
Severity: 69
Wow, I Didn't See That Coming
UPDATE: As one Massachusetts local TV news program sensitively put it, "The population here at the Massachusetts Correctional Agency in Shirley is now minus one ex-priest." Ex-priest and serial pedophile John Geoghan was beaten and strangled to death with socks in prison this weekend by a gay-murdering Neo-Nazi, with the passive complicity of the guards. If you don't have SOME kind of conflicted feelings after reading that sentence, you're really not trying. CLARIFICATION: Reader Eike points out that "serial pedophile" would be more correctly phrased as "serial pederast," since "pedophile" means a person who is "sexually excited by children," whereas a "pederast" is one who acts out on that impulse and thus more appropriately modified with the adjective "serial."
Concept: Where to begin?
Severity: Minus one ex-priest
Thou Shalt Get Some Priorities
Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore is giving right-wing lunacy a bad name with his deranged commitment to keeping the 10 commandments up in his courthouse, perhaps for use as crib notes. Recently named June's Asshole of the Month by the future governor of California, Moore doesn't seem to realize that a good 30% of the country consists of non-Christians, not to mention the fact that a good 25% of the 75% self-identifying as Christians would just be rid of the public display of the commandments and the gay-bashing Moore too. Despite his devotion to the display, it seems Moore hasn't mastered Rule Number Five. I'm willing to bet he's dicey on II, III, IV, VI, VII, VIII, IX and X too.
Concept: What kind of principles say you must display religious propaganda in government buildings, but it's OK to execute minors and the insane, and oh, yeah, did I mention that 61% of those executed by Alabama are black, while 71% of the not-on-death-row population is white?
Severity: Forget fucking Syria, Dubya should launch a war of liberation on Alabama
Most Wanted Update
Well, the U.S. caught Hambali, a guy who to whom they gave zero press prior to his arrest, even though he is arguably as dangerous as Osama bin Laden. You will recall how little you heard about Khalid Shaikh Mohammed before his arrest as well. Bin Laden, to whom the U.S. has given much press, reminded the world know he is still at large with a new audiotape, despite our best efforts to find and/or kill him. Also alive and well: Saddam Hussein, to whom the U.S. has given the absolute most press despite his being clearly the least dangerous of the three. So this is the official U.S. public relations strategy in the war on terror: Build up really worthless guys into monstrous bugaboos who you can't catch. Then never mention the really dangerous guys until AFTER you've arrested them, at which point you try to make them look like a really big deal. Smart.
Concept: P.R.
Severity: There IS such a thing as bad publicity after all
Power Poutage
Jemaah Islamiah leader Hambali was captured. Arguably the biggest arrest in the war on terror so far (not that you would know anything about him from the woefully insufficient media coverage to date), Dubya has got to be weeping bitter tears that the massive nationwide power outage is upstaging his big announcement.
Concept: Five-minute attention spans
Severity: Hambali who?
The Importance of Being Arnold
OK, I'll confess right up front that my main motivation is mentioning this ludicrousness is that after a week of unimaginative puns, I haven't seen this particular headline anywhere else. It's tempting to look at the suddenly dominant candidacy of Arnold Schwarzenegger as a sign that Americans are so shallow that they embrace entertainers more enthusiastically than they do public servants. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, Americans are much more shallow than that. What this election is well on track to showing is that Americans are so shallow they believe celebrity trumps all other considerations. Trust me, if it wasn't Arnold, it would be Larry Flynt. Even a seedy celebrity is better than no celebrity at all.
Concept: Celebrity worship
Severity: It worked for Reagan... And Jesse Ventura... And Gofer from the "Love Boat"... It will work for Jerry Springer one day soon...
Offer Limited! Buy Into It Now!
We have been informed that U.S. soldiers in Iraq are out there protecting the freedoms we cherish as Americans. * This is part of the great plan to bring "American-style freedom" to the entire Middle East, which is clamoring for it. **
And, of course, we're giving the Iraqis the ability to benefit from their rich supply of natural resources. *** But wait, there's more! When asked about American soldiers dying daily in Iraq, the President explained, "We learned a lesson on September the 11th, and that is, our nation is vulnerable to attack. And we're doing everything we can to protect the homeland by making the homeland defense department effective and securing the borders. But the best way to secure America is to get the enemy before they get us. And that's what's happening in Iraq." So you see, our soldiers in Iraq are being attacked and killed daily in order to protect Americans from being attacked and killed. ****
* Restrictions may apply. British citizens, U.S. soldiers, U.S. citizens and Iraqi citizens may not be eligible for freedom.
** This statement has not been endorsed by the FDA, Arab nations or the U.S. State Department.
*** The party of the first part, hereafter referred to as Iraqis, may be required to cede these rights to the party of the second part, hereafter referred to as Bush campaign contributors.
**** Note: Our soldiers are Americans. Note: Iraq did not attack the United States. Attempts to decipher this logic may cause side effects, including bleeding from the eyes, constipation, vomiting, migraines, anal warts and sexual side effects.
Concept: The fine print
Severity: Read it, baby
Headline Writers Rejoice!
As if having Larry Flynt in the California governor's race wasn't enough, thousands of newspaper headline writers around the country sharpened their proverbial pencils and tried to think of "clever" headlines somehow featuring "terminated," "total recall," "running man," and "barbarians" when Arnold Schwarzenegger threw his hat in the ring last night on the "Tonight Show." If elected, Arnold will be the worst actor to hold the post since Ronald Reagan. Five bucks to the first newspaper that comes up with a way to get "Kindergarten Cop" into a headline.
Concept: Politics as anything but a popularity contest
Severity: Maybe Dean will be the one to disprove that VaticangateCBS News uncovered this document buried in the Vatican's secret archives — a how-to manual for running an international child sex ring under the color of religious authority. The document covers how to deal with cases in which priests get caught with their pants down in the presence of "youths of either sex or with brute animals." This strategy includes handling allegations "in the most secretive way" possible and restraining all parties, including victims "under the penalty of excommunication." The document also imposed a ONE MONTH "statute of limitations" for the victim to come forward. (The abuser is supposed to considerately inform the victim of this deadline.) If the victim fails to report the incident within a month, the VICTIM is subject to excommunication! Read the whole thing. It's appalling...
Let's Do The Time Warp Again!
When will we capture Saddam Hussein? " It's just a matter of time," said an Army spokesperson today. Oh, wait! I am having a wacky flashback! It's... it's... June 2003, and President Moron is speaking about Hussein and Osama bin Laden: "We'll find them. It's only a matter of time." Oh, wait, wait! I'm having another wacky flashback! It's... it's... it's... December 28, 2001! The speaker is President Moron, and the topic is Osama bin Laden: "You don't need to worry about whether or not we're going to get him, because we are, and it's just a matter of time." Oh, wait! We're going... back to the future! It's... It's... the year 2525 (if humankind is still alive)! The speaker is President Quib Glaxon of the United States of Earth and Alpha Centauri! He's saying... What? "Today, we have completed the most significant archeological find of the 26th Century, the long lost bones of Osama bin Laden! We're still looking for Saddam Hussein..."
Concept: Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future
Severity: "Someday, someway, you'll realize that you've been blind. Yes, darling, you're going to need me again. It's just a matter of time."
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