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CakewalkingNot only is everyone now an expert at all things mass media, we are also jejune, jaded and jaundiced connoisseurs of the pop culture scene. Clueless would-be cynics have a facile, wafer thin understanding of the entertainment industry, gleaned from empty sound bites and snappy photo captions in Entertainment Weekly.We knew “Gigli” was going to tank because we read the scathing review in Slant, or any of the myriad sources available through the Internet Movie DataBase. We’re now saying “Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica”, the MTV series about ”newly nuptualized pop stars Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson” is buzzworthy because MTV.Com says so. In conversation, we can drop these nuggets of useless knowledge with an affected blithe insider attitude. The one thing we can’t do, it seems, is explain why we care about all this shit in the first place. We’re experts – Ephemera Emeritus, and we’re turning into that annoying guy in Woody Allen’s “Annie Hall” enthusiastically spitting our ill conceived assumptions on the poor sap standing next to us in line. Out of sheer perversity, I conducted an unscientific survey at the media outlet where I work. I picked the most outspoken co-workers with the strongest opinions about the latest movies, the hottest music acts, and the loudest pundits. I asked these scholars of the disposable what they thought about the capture of Hambali. Not one of my hand-picked experts had ever heard of the man. Not one. Okay, I admit my survey was a set-up. Hambali may arguably be bigger than bin Laden, but he hasn’t got the press, at least not in the US. And in America, name recognition is everything. I only regret I couldn’t get out to California to get Jeffrey Dahmer’s name on the ballet for the Guv’nership scramble. Although he’s dead, America’s beloved cannibal has the high profile to give Arnold a run for his money. What I’m getting at, in a roundabout and admittedly cranky way, is that we Americans think we know a whole lot more about the world than we really do. And in the end we’re only conning ourselves. Many of us have not been around the block, but we think we have because we’ve seen that particular block on TV. In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit I’m a bit touchy about total strangers telling me they can do my pop culture-saturated job. I’ve made four films — all a touch or so flawed. This means I have been told many times, by people who have never set foot on a soundstage, that it must’ve been easy for me to crank those puppies out. I’ve been told that I was lucky to get a perfect misty morning to shoot a chase scene through a forest. (It was shot in the dead of night, under lights. The forest was a group of saplings we planted in strategic places. The mist came courtesy of a fog machine.) I’ve been congratulated for not harming my actors in a massive explosion. (We were shooting at Universal Studios Florida. We got a cutaway of our principals diving in front of a bright fireball. The explosion came courtesy of the Universal stunt show. We framed the stuntmen out of the shot, and our actors were in no more danger than the crowd of nearby tourists watching the show.) In all fairness, it’s a common misconception that filmmaking is a cakewalk. Everyone’s seen a film, so many think they know all about making them. After all, they’ve read the behind the scenes articles, they can fake the jargon. What else is there to know? Similarly, those who’ve never written anything besides the stray e-mail, have all picked up a pencil at some point in their lives, so they’re experts on screenwriting. By no means is this attitude universal, but it is the know-nothing know-it-alls who speak loudest. These are also the folks quickest to parrot the hue and cry of “has-been”, presumably culled from a pop culture Bible like the stripper searching Enquirer. I suppose I’ve worked with a few so-called “has-beens”. All I can say about these consummate professionals is that they had been in the entertainment business for a long time, and they were still working decades later. And I must add that each alleged “has-been” is far outnumbered by the very real mass of the “Never-Was”. One entertainer I’ve encountered who’s been unjustly tarred with this “has-been” brush is Weird Al Yankovic. Weird Al’s people graciously allowed our comedy troupe Psychotic Pooch to open for Al on Sunday, August 10th at the Carowinds Palladium. The audience was great – approximately 3,500 people yelling and cheering the moment we walked out on stage. I felt like I was in the Beatles, or at least the Ruttles. We slayed the crowd, then stuck around for Al’s show. The band is great and Al’s an energetic and charismatic performer. And all of his stuff is clean. I am always bowled over by a successful G (well, maybe PG) rated show. In fact, I’m inspired enough to pay tribute to a beloved, family friendly cartoon: SMELLS LIKE WABBITS (TO THE TUNE OF THE NIRVANA’S “SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT”) Woad up my gun I’m out for bwood I hunt wabbits My name is Fudd Be vewwy quiet Wike a mouse Dat cwazy wabbit’s such a louse Cwazy, Cwazy (repeat) Wabbit, Wabbit (x bunch of times) Hunting wabbits is a hassle That Bugs Bunny Is a wascal Has disguises by the bushel Fools me like I’m A dumb asshowe I have had it With the wabbit Scwewy wabbit With a cowwot Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah! (Elmer Fudd Laugh) “What’s up Doc?” he says to me While munching cawwots casually If I could catch him in a pot I’d cook up weal nice wabbit stock Cwazy, Cwazy (repeat) Wabbit, Wabbit (x bunch of times) I will bag him, make it snappy With this twap I Got from ACME He’s wascal and he’s fwisky This whole bizness Could get wisky I have had it With the wabbit Scwewy wabbit With a cowwot Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah! (Elmer Fudd Laugh) “What’s up Doc?” he says to me And hums a Mewwie Melody I’m Loony Tunes, I’m as cwazy As woadwunner and coyote Cwazy, Cwazy (repeat) Wabbit, Wabbit (x bunch of times) I will catch him, I know I can Waise my wifle and go blam blam Tougher than Yo-Semite Sam I have had it With the wabbit Scwewy wabbit With a cowwot Cwazy wabbit With a cowwot Catch the wabbit Catch the wabbit Catch the wabbit By Patrick Moran :: 6:27 AM Also by Pat Moran: Click here for "Sins of the Flesh" Click here for "Ground Zero" Baby FaceI’ve pissed off many a couple of my acquaintance by blithely comparing their precious newborn to Hollywood character actors. I understand their irritation. Who wants some childfree jerk saying their bundle of joy looks just like Edward G. Robinson? Maybe it’s because I’m not pumped full of baby-worshiping hormones like the proud parents, or simply not dazed by sleep deprivation, but I think infants have the scowling, crabby demeanor of B movie blood-letters and badmen down cold.Truth be told, many of the newborn are characterless, featureless blobs of pudgy protoplasm, not unlike Tor Johnson in full zombie mode. I can’t help myself. I’m incapable of keeping my mouth shut when I notice a newborn babe/B movie bad guy resemblance. I’ve compared a business partner’s baby boy to Aldo Ray, a bottom of the bill utility player best known for his portrayal of the psychopathic “Man from Bodie” in “Welcome to Hard Times.” I said my high school girlfriend’s baby pictures made her look like Alfred Hitchcock. I’ve spread unintended kiddie carnage and parental trauma in my wake, comparing innocent infants to Otto Preminger, Yul Brynner, and Lawrence Tierney (Once described as a “Slaphappy bird with a gun” http://film.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/Guardian/0,4029,659924,00.html in “The Devil Thumbs a Ride”). My worst transgression? Two close friends have a beautiful little girl of Eurasian extraction – the father was born in Vietnam, the mother is Irish American. When their daughter was an infant, the parents dressed her in a cool black outfit, complete with a stylish black hat. Unfortunately, the hat resembled a bowler, and without thinking I said my friends’ baby girl resembled Harold “Odd Job” Sakata. I consider myself very lucky that these fine people are still on speaking terms with me. My blasé attitude towards the newfound joys of parenthood may stem from the fact that I’ve spawned no children and have no desire to breed in the future. And while I get along quite well with older kids, I find the newborn quite boring. Maybe I’m trying to project some character onto the average infant by overlaying a character actor’s face on their amorphous features. And I tend to overlook the miracle of birth precisely because it’s such a commonplace miracle. That said, there’s always room for improvement, and childbirth can always be even more miraculous than it already is. I’d like to see this rite of passage a little bit “sexed up” (as the British are fond of saying): (CARRIE IS IN A HOSPITAL BED, GOING INTO LABOR. BOB HOLDS HER HAND.. DEAN CAIN IS IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM, WATCHING.) BOB: I’M HERE FOR YOU HONEY. JUST REMEMBER YOUR BREATHING EXERCISES. CARRIE: OH MY GOD! BOB: COME ON! PUSH! PUSH! (DEAN TURNS TO CAMERA.) DEAN: WHEN CARRIE SCHLUCK OF CANTON, OHIO CHECKED INTO THE MATERNITY WARD OF CLEVELAND GENERAL HOSPITAL…SHE DIDN’T KNOW THAT HER LABOR PAINS WOULD PUSH HER INTO THE REALM OF THE ASTOUNDING! I’M DEAN CAIN FOR “RIPLEY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT” (CARRIE SITS UP ) CARRIE: DEAN CAIN? NEVER HEARD OF HIM… BOB: I THINK HE WAS IN “JAWS: THE REVENGE” AND “THE MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL” DEAN: THAT’S MICHAEL CAINE. I’M DEAN CAIN! YOU KNOW, SUPERMAN? CARRIE: I DIDN’T KNOW SUPERMAN COULD GET AROUND WITHOUT HIS WHEELCHAIR OR RESPIRATOR. BOB: YOU’VE MADE A MARVELOUS RECOVERY MR REEVE. DEAN: NO! YOU’RE CONFUSING ME WITH CHRISTOPHER REEVE. HE’S THE MOVIE SUPERMAN. I’M THE TV SUPERMAN. REMEMBER “LOIS AND CLARK”? (CARRIE AND BOB LOOK AT DEAN BLANKLY.) CARRIE: WHATEVER… (CARRIE GOES BACK INTO LABOR.) DEAN: THE NIGHT BEFORE GOING INTO LABOR, CARRIE WAS WATCHING THE MOVIE “TWINS”. NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THAT… UNTIL CARRIE GAVE BIRTH TO TWO BEAUTIFUL BABY…TWINS! (CARRIE YELLS AS SHE GIVES BIRTH. NURSE COMES IN, REACHES UNDER BLANKET AND SNATCHES UP TWO BABIES. SHE SHOWS BABIES TO THE PARENTS AND EXITS. CARRIE GOES BACK INTO LABOR.) DEAN: BUT CARRIE’S WONDROUS ORDEAL WASN’T OVER. BECAUSE THAT VERY MORNING, ON HER TV AT HOME, SHE CAUGHT AN EPISODE OF “PARTY OF FIVE” … ON THAT VERY SAME DAY…SHE GAVE BIRTH TO QUINTUPLETS… (CARRIE YELLS AS SHE GIVES BIRTH. NURSE COMES IN, REACHES UNDER BLANKET AND SNATCHES UP FIVE BABIES. SHE SHOWS BABIES TO THE PARENTS AND EXITS. CARRIE GOES BACK INTO LABOR.) DEAN: AN EVENTFUL DAY FOR CARRIE, BUT THE FATES WEREN’T DONE WITH HER YET. THAT AFTERNOON, THE TV IN HER HOSPITAL ROOM WAS SHOWING THE MOVIE “THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN” STARRING YUL BRYNNER. ASTOUNDINGLY, CARRIE GAVE BIRTH AGAIN – TO SEPTUPLETS. ALL SEVEN OF THE CHILDREN WERE BORN BALD! (CARRIE YELLS AS SHE GIVES BIRTH. NURSE COMES IN, REACHES UNDER BLANKET AND SNATCHES UP SEVEN BABIES. SHE SHOWS BABIES TO THE PARENTS AND EXITS.) CARRIE: (WHISPERS) HONEY? BOB: YES SWEETIE? (BOB LEANS IN TO HEAR.) CARRIE: (YELLS) YOU DID THIS TO ME! (CARRIE SWATS BOB ON THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD.) DEAN: CARRIE’S MADE MEDICAL HISTORY. BUT THE BOOK IS NOT CLOSED ON THIS ASTOUNDING CHAPTER…BECAUSE THE NURSE JUST SLIPPED A MOVIE INTO THE VCR IN CARRIE’S ROOM. I HAVE A COPY OF THAT CLASSIC SILENT MOVIE HERE. ITS TITLE? “THE BIRTH OF A NATION”! (CARRIE GRABS BOB’S NECK AND STARTS TO CHOKE HIM.) DEAN: BELIEVE IT, OR NOT! By Patrick Moran :: 12:11 PM Also by Pat Moran: Click here for "Sins of the Flesh" Click here for "Ground Zero" BrandedThe Fox News Channel is quoting soon-to-be armchair General Tommy Franks to the effect that “Freedom isn’t free”.I guess the gist of this meaningless homily is that there is a high price we all must pay for implementing a Neo-con fantasy of Mideast domination and transformation, but it’s ironic that Frank’s statement has real (albeit unintended) meaning for Americans who’ve witnessed the erosion of their civil liberties at home, and for Iraqis who are still looking for freedom in the aftermath of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Since the Bush administration (and its unofficial mouthpiece Fox) are still insisting that all opposition to US forces is the work of Saddam’s evil minions, I guarantee that you will not see this quote on the “fair and balanced” network: "We are carrying out operations against the American occupation here in Falluja and other Iraqi cities…Saddam and America are two faces of the same coin." That from a group called Wakefulness and Holy War, which has claimed responsibility for attacks on US troops in the Sunni Muslim-dominated town of Falluja. Pointing out that Americans in Iraq will go the way of the British and indeed all previous invaders of the fertile crescent, is not something that will fly on the expertly branded entertainment which is major media US news. And by now it should be no secret that it’s all about the branding. Even staid Daimler Chrysler has entered the branded entertainment fray with it’s million dollar film festival, which reads like a sweaty sort of cheap motel liaison between Ifilm and Project Greenlight culminating in a product placement wet dream. If a million dollar movie about a car sounds 2 fast 2 furious 2 retreaded 2 B true, picture the aging fratboy Chrysler execs pitching their idea for “Extreme Film”. You know they’re thinking sudden Dutch angles and Van Halen fretboard runs. In any case, apparent lapses in judgement and perspective on the part of major media outlets make sense if you don’t views news as actual NEWS, but rather as branded entertainment. Fox News is simply a bit more overboard than their peers when it comes to targeting their demo. The Fox fantasy world may seem to have its head more snugly entrenched up its own ass than say CNN, but how else to shield white conservatives in a safe snug cocoon while still stroking their knee jerk macho ego? I say it again; America’s window on the world is all about the branding. Though recently spiked by Mr. Lee (the case was settled late Monday), the new TNN is going ahead with its plan to reposition itself as the guy channel, the anti-Oxygen, the spiky Yin to Lifetime’s Yang. Though Fox News has been very successful with its Leni Riefenstahl on Ritalin brand of right-wing propaganda, it should be careful not to rest too long on its laurels. As the classic TV theme song goes: “What do you do when you're branded, and you know you're a man. Wherever you go, for the rest of your life You must prove, you're a man.” I’ve no doubt that Fox is the manly “bring em on” channel, so to keep pace with the changing face of entertainment I would not suggest rebranding so much as expanding. Remember when MTV had no “Real World”, no “Osbournes”, and just ran music videos 24/7? I didn’t think so, but just take my word for it. The majestic MTV was once a vast wasteland of Flock of Seagulls haircuts, masturbating Divinyls and rotoscoped frontmen for a-ha. But that changed and the music channel became an entertainment juggernaut. I see similar possibilities for Fox News. If any of Murdoch’s minions are reading these words I hope they hear me out. I’ll report, they’ll decide. I suggest easing into openly branded entertainment with infomercials: ANNCR (OS): LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA… (PRESIDENT BUSH ENTERS AND STANDS AT PODIUM) BUSH: MY FELLOW AMERICANS…I WAS A BARELY LITERATE MILLIONAIRE’S SON GROWING UP IN A TEXAS BACKWATER. IN COLLEGE I SNORTED UP ENOUGH BLOW TO KEEP A DRUG CARTEL IN MEXICAN HOOKERS FOR A YEAR. AND I REGISTERED LEGALLY DEAD ON A BREATHALIZER ON A DAILY BASIS. BUT I TURNED MY LIFE AROUND… IT’S TRUE, NO LONGER DO I LIVE SIX FIGURE PAYCHECK TO SIX FIGURE PAYCHECK. I LIVE IN A FABULOUS MANSION, HOPEFULLY FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS, AND I’M ABLE TO PAY BACK ALL MY CLOSE FRIENDS WITH A HEFTY TAX CUT. AND I OWE IT ALL TO THE FOLKS AT IMPERIAL REAL ESTATE. (BUSH HOLDS UP PAMPHLET ENTITLED “PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE PLAN .) HERE’S HOW THEIR PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE PLAN WORKS: A FEW YEARS BACK I WANTED TO FORECLOSE ON SOME CHOICE BEACH FRONT PROPERTY IN THE MIDDLE EAST – A CHERRY LOCATION ON THE PERSIAN GULF. PROBLEM WAS, I DIDN’T HAVE A LEGAL CLAIM TO THOSE 171 THOUSAND SQUARE MILES. BUT MY GOOD FRIEND TONY BLAIR CAME THROUGH WITH FORGED EVIDENCE OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION…AND WITH THE PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE PLAN, THAT BIG IRAQI SANDBOX IS NOW ALL MINE – AND MR. CHENEY’S… SOON I’LL BE BASKING ON THE BEACH WITH PLENTY OF SUNTAN OIL – OR ANY OTHER KIND OF OIL FOR THAT MATTER. IMPERIAL REAL ESTATE WORKS. BUT DON’T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. LISTEN TO THESE OTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMERS. HERE’S JOE STALIN (JOE STALIN ENTERS) STALIN: MY NOSY EUROPEAN NEIGHBORS WERE BUGGING THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I NEEDED A BUFFER ZONE FOR PEACE AND QUIET. USING IMPERIAL’S PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE PLAN, I WAS ABLE TO ACQUIRE POLAND, CZECHOSLAVAKIA AND A WHOLE POSSE OF WHAT I CALL MY EASTERN EUROPEAN BITCH COUNTRIES. AND WITH IMPERIAL’S GREAT SAVINGS, I WAS ABLE TO IMPROVE MY PROPERTY, PUTTING UP A TASTEFUL LITTLE WALL THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF BERLIN, AND A SHINY IRON CURTAIN AT MY PROPERTY LINE. THANKS IMPERIAL! (GIVES THUMBS UP) BUSH: AND LET’S NOT FORGET JULIUS CAESAR… (CAESAR ENTERS) CAESAR: HAIL IMPERIAL! I WANTED A NICE ENCLOSED LAGOON ON MY PROPERTY. I DECIDED THE MEDITERRANEAN SEA WOULD FIT THE BILL. WITH THE PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE PLAN, ALL THE KNOWN WORLD WAS MINE IN A FEW SHORT DECADES. AND MY BOOK ABOUT FORECLOSING ON GAUL TOPPED THE BEST SELLER LIST FOR YEARS. I’LL BE CELEBRATING MY GOOD FORTUNE WITH A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS ON THE IDES OF MARCH. THANKS IMPERIAL! (GIVES THUMBS UP) BUSH: MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I’D LIKE TO END THIS COMMERCIAL WITH A KNOCK KNOCK JOKE…KNOCK KNOCK. CAESAR AND STALIN: WHO’S THERE? BUSH: SYRIA CAESAR AND STALIN: SYRIA WHO? BUSH: SYRIA-OUSLY, DO YOU THINK I’M GONNA STOP AT IRAQ? YOU CAN BET YOUR BOOTS I’M FORECLOSING ON IRAN. THANKS IMPERIAL (GIVES THUMBS UP) After that, the sky’s the limit. I’d say go for crossover original programming, an action adventure hit. As luck would have it, I have just the property – something that will appeal to the summer movie super hero worshipping set while retaining the xenophobic, anti- abortion, French-hating core crabby-white-guy demo: FANTASTIC FETUS (MINDY, A PREGNANT LADY, IS TIED TO A CHAIR. SHE’S FLANKED BY TWO THUGS, MANNYAND SAL) SAL: SO YOU’RE STICKIN’ TO YOUR STORY, SISTER? YOU WERE OUT TAKING A STROLL AND YOU STUMBLED ACROSS OUR ABANDONED DAIRY? MINDY: I SWEAR IT’S THE TRUTH! MANNY: THE BOSS AIN’T GONNA LIKE THIS. A FAT LADY SCOPIN’ OUT THE OPERATION. SAL: SHE’S PREGNANT, YOU MORON! LOOKS LIKE ANY MINUTE NOW SHE’S GONNA POP THE CORK…C’MON, LET’S GO GET THE BOSS. MANNY: YEAH, BOBBY WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO. (THUGS EXIT. MINDY TALKS TO HER BELLY. FRANCIS, HER FETUS, REPLIES.) MINDY: DID YOU HEAR THAT FRANCIS? FRANCIS: I SURE DID, MA. THOSE THUGS MUST WORK FOR FRENCH GANGSTER BOBBY BOULLEBAISSE. MINDY: I KNEW THAT FILTHY FROG WAS BEHIND THIS BLACK MARKET CHEESE RING. LOOKS LIKE WE’RE IN A TOUGH SPOT. FRANCIS: TELL ME ABOUT IT. IT’S LIKE I’M STUFFED INTO A ROAST TURKEY HERE. ANNCR (OS): WE JOIN THE ADVENTURES OF UNDERCOVER MOM MINDY GARNER, AND HER PRE-NATAL PARTNER IN LAW ENFORCEMENT – FRANCIS THE FANTASTIC FETUS, UNBORN CRIME FIGHTER! MINDY: I’M SORRY FRANCIS. HOW IS THE WOMB? FRANCIS: THE WOMB’S FINE, BUT THE WENT’S A LITTLE HIGH…JUST A LITTLE FETUS HUMOR THERE, MA. MINDY: I’M AFRAID WE WON’T BE LAUGHING LONG, LITTLE BUDDY. WE’RE ABOUT TO HAVE OUR RENDEZVOUS WITH MR. BIG. FRANCIS: SPEAKING OF MR. BIG, WOULD YOU MIND TELLING DAD TO BACK OFF – AT LEAST UNTIL YOU SQUIRT ME OUT? I’M GETTING A LITTLE TIRED OF THE OLD SWIZZLE STICK ROUTINE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. MINDY: SHHH! SOMEONE’S COMING! (BOBBY ENTERS WITH SAL AND MANNY) BOBBY: BONSOIR MADAME MINDY. I SEE YOUR CRIME FIGHTING PARTNER IS STILL WITH YOU, N’CEST PAS? SAL: AIN’T NOBODY HERE WITH HER BOSS. MANNY: ALL I SEE IS THE FAT LADY. BOBBY: IMBECILES! SHE IS HERE WITH PRE-NATAL BACK UP…NONE OTHER THAN FANTASTIC FETUS! SAL AND MANNY: FANTASTIC FETUS! BOBBY: OUI, BUT TIED UP THEY CANNOT STOP ME. SOON, FROM MY EVIL DAIRY, LE GRANDE FROMAGE, I WILL FLOOD THE AMERICAN MARKET WITH BAD STINKY CHEESES! HIGH PRICED CHEESE THAT TASTES LIKE RAT TURDS! HA HA HA! MINDY: DIABOLICAL! BOBBY: YOU STUPID CRAP-EATING AMERICANS, WITH YOUR BURGERS AND YOUR DRIVE THROUGH WINDOWS! FUCK FREEDOM FRIES! FRANCIS: I’LL BOX YOUR EARS, YOU BRIE SUCKER! BOBBY: I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY, FANTASTIC FETUS. YOU CAN’T EVEN PUNCH YOUR WAY OUT OF AN AMNIOTIC SACK! (MINDY STRUGGLES TO BREAK FREE.) BOBBY: WHAT? NO SNAPPY COME BACK? UMBILLICAL CORD GOT YOUR TONGUE? OR IS THIS JUST A…PREGNANT PAUSE? FRANCIS: FOLLOW MY LEAD, MA!… HIYAAAA! (ROPES FALL AWAY AS MINDY FLIES OUT OF CHAIR, LEADING WITH HER STOMACH. SHE BELLY BUMPS SAL. SAL COLLAPSES) SAL: MAN, WHEN THAT BABY KICKS, HE REALLY KICKS! (SAL PASSES OUT. MINDY TURNS ON MANNY) FRANCIS: HIYAAAA! MANNY: LISTEN PREGNANT LADY, SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS IS PREGNANT LADIES. MY MOTHER WAS A PREGNANT LADY! (LEADING WITH HER BELLY, MINDY BUTTS MANNY. MANNY COLLAPSES. BOBBY PULLS OUT A PISTOL) BOBBY: IT SEEMS A SHAME TO BREAK UP A TERRIFIC TEAM, NO? ADIEAU MADAME MINDY. AU REVOIR FANTASTIC FETUS! FRANCIS: MA! THE WATER GLASS! MINDY: GOOD THINKING FRANCIS! WE’LL GIVE HIM THE LAMAZE TREATMENT! ( MINDY GRABS THE WATER GLASS AND THROWS IT IN BOBBY’S FACE) BOBBY: ARRRGH! CURSES! YOU KNOW I AM A FEELTHY FRENCHMAN AND I CANNOT BEAR TO BATHE. OH NO, I’M MELTING! I’M MELTING! (BOBBY SINKS TO FLOOR) MINDY: SO MUCH FOR THE BIG CHEESE. ONE AGAIN AMERICA IS PRESERVED. FRANCIS: (SARCASTIC) YEAH, WE MADE THE COUNTRY SAFE FOR VELVEETA. MINDY: IS MY BABY A LITTLE CRANKY? SOUNDS LIKE YOU COULD USE A REWARD. FRANCIS: A REWARD, MA? REALLY? MINDY: ANYTHING YOU WANT SWEETIE! FRANCIS: MA, I’M REALLY, REALLY…WET. MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE I’D LIKE TO BE DRY. ANNCR (OS): IS FANTASTIC FETUS READY TO THROW IN THE TOWEL? IS NEW EVIL FERMENTING WITHIN LE GRANDE FROMAGE? DON’T ASK US. WE DON’T KNOW. AND WE DON’T KNOW NUTHIN’ ABOUT BIRTHIN’ NO BABIES NEITHER! I know it will play. And if I can get Tom Selleck on board, it’s a shoe in! By Patrick Moran :: 4:37 AM Also by Pat Moran: Click here for "Sins of the Flesh" Click here for "Ground Zero" Click here for "PASS THE BUCK" archives. |
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